a very good Christmas

So, M and I got a great surprise on Christmas day. For a few days before that, I had been having back labor. wow....that is the worse pain EVER! I tried taking pain meds but ended up throwing most of it up. Most of Christmas day, I was ok. Some family came and I got a sweet Flip Cam from M. (just in time) But then that evening, the pain started again. A dr. came in and checked me one more time and I was dilating. Not a good thing with a cerclage. So, we made the decision to have the C section. It all happened so fast. I have heard horror stories about this surgery and was sooo nervous! The spinal didn't bother me. It was the waiting part. I felt like M was never going to come. He had to wait outside and he even said it felt like forever. But then...we heard the first cry. Man, these boys can scream. There were so many people in that room and I expected them to be rushed to the NICU. But, they were brought over to us and it was amazing.

Kimo Martin born at 10:17 p.m. 3 lbs 12 oz, 17 inches.

Nicholas Rey born at 10:19 p.m. 3 lbs 14 oz, 17 inches

I was 31 weeks when I gave birth so although I was still very early, they are doing very well. They both need help with the breathing once in awhile but are taking their feeds in like champs. All those wires and tubes are very intimidating. The first time I held Kimo, i was so nervous!! Then when I held Nicholas he has a CPAP machine, and I didn't think I could handle it. But we did ok. M held Kimo last night and he cried a bit. It made me so happy to see them together!

first two pics are Kimo and then it's Nicholas. ( I don't know why they are out of order)

Thankful

I love this picture. M looks so happy and I love his laugh. Plus, isn't he so handsome? This pic was taken about a month before Mary was born. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I look at old pics before we lost her and we look like different people. But he's still such a happy guy. He looks at all the postive things in life when I am feeling down. He always makes me feel better. M is a wonderful person and I couldn't be happier he is in my life. These past few months have been pretty hard but he has been so strong and supportive.

I am thankful for him. Being away from him every night is so hard. All I want is to sleep next to him again. I know this is only temporary but it's so hard. I love him so much and this Thanksgiving I am thankful that a person like him loves me back.

bedrest

it's freakin hard. Well, I of course have been on bedrest since August. (literally the day of my cerclage)

My cervix just....sucks. Even with bedrest, it got shorter. On October 29th, the dr. called me at home and said he's admitting me to the hospital because he would just feel better and it's a precaution. So, as of today, I have been here for one whole, long month. As of two weeks ago, I no longer have a measurable cervix. The cerclage is the only thing holding it all together. M and I were already ready for it all be over at 23 weeks. But here I am....a month later and going into my 27th week. I am on meds to stop any contractions and am on COMPLETE bedrest. I haven't felt the floor in a month. :( I have my days where I just want to scream because I don't think I can take another day. But I will continue to do this for our boys. M has been amazing and comes every day and also spends the night on the weekends. So, that's where we are at and are praying for at least one more month.

Oh, and the pics above? I have to show them off because they are already so cute.

Belly pics

Huge, I know. And it feels even bigger. I haven't gained much weight...maybe 2 lbs. The weight of these boys is very uncomfortable but I love when they kick. My sister got me this pregnancy belt thingy so hopefully that relieves some pressure.

20 weeks

according to the babies size...we are at 20 weeks today. Halfway there. :)
Oh, and we had an ultrasound last week and we are having TWO BOYS. omg. That is crazy! M and I were in shock at first because I really thought it was one of each and he thought two girls! So, when the tech showed us, you can totally see that they are boys. Amazing. We both are very happy. I think deep down I also wanted a girl because with Mary, I loved the idea of having my girl. But I am just so happy that they are boys and healthy.
I will get more pics of my belly and the boys up soon. Still on bedrest and my cervix has gotten shorter, so the bedrest is even stricter. The pressure of two babies is sometimes unbearable. One of the boys is also kicking so low that it hurts. I am trying to get him to move back up but so far, he is staying in that position. Oh well.
We have been talking about names but have only settled on one because it's a family name. It's a surprise though until we decide on the second name.

Grief

Last year, about two weeks after Mary died, a wonderful person also went through the same thing. I have written about her before. Susan. I can't say enough good things about her. We have met up a few times but I wish we lived closer. We actually used to but didn't get a chance to meet up before she moved. I hate that we have to have this kind of grief in common.
Susan became pregnant again this year and was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me. I was SO looking forward to sharing this together. She was doing so well until almost 23 weeks. Then things just took a turn for a worse. Her little boy was born on September 26th and tried to fight, but didn't make it. When I got that text, M actually saw it first. I was in the other room and came in to ask him something. He was looking at my phone and when he looked up at me, I just knew. I had been waiting for an update and it had been a few hours already. I was hoping no news meant good news.
It's been a few days now and I just couldn't write anything yet. I didn't know what to say. I feel like it's last year all over again. My heart hurts for her and her family.
Susan,
I love you. I am here for you anytime you need me. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why bad things happen to such wonderful people. I have said this a hundred times, but if I weren't on bedrest, I would be there with you.
Rest in Peace Matthew Finley....sweet angel.

belly/baby pics

This is Baby A. Right when we were about to get a good pic, he/she decided to turn around and stretch out. This is the most active baby.



This is Baby B. He/she turned around and we got a great shot!

This is my lying down. Believe me, it looks much bigger standing up. :)

I had my cerclage this past Wednesday and everything went well. The dr. said my cervix even looked much better, so that's great news. I still have morning sickness but it's easier to deal with.

Being on bedrest is going to be long and hard, but it will all be worth it.

Bittersweet Dreams

I always ask Mary to come into my dreams and I am so happy when she does. I have dreamnt that I was pregnant again with her and that she was a baby...but walking! My girl was going to be a genius! ;)
But at the same time I have these dreams, it's hard because I have to wake up and remember she's gone.
I had a bad dream last night. Before I fell asleep, I was thinking of her and talking to her. I had a dream where we were at her funeral again but she was alive. My god...that breaks my heart to even say that. I was holdng her and she opened her eyes and was looking at me. I kept trying to tell everyone that she was ok but nobody would listen. I just held her and smelled her skin and hair. I didn't want to let her go. That happened right before her actual funeral. M and I dressed her and put her in her casket. We were alone in a room and I picked her up and just held her. M was worried because I wouldn't let her go. It might sound morbid to some but she is my daughter and this was the last time I would be able to do this. I just hugged her and told her I was sorry. I just wanted to stay in that room forever. Just the three of us...

12 weeks

Isn't this morning sickness supposed to be over with? It's been like this for about 6 weeks and I do have meds for it. The problem is I get pretty sick in the morning and I try to take the pill before I even get out of bed, but I throw up anyway. I try not to but it's hard. But if this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I will take it.
I went to my NT scan yesterday and got some bloodwork done. The NT showed that the back of both babies necks were measuring small, which is good. Baby A is the most active one and Baby B is usually asleep or just relaxing. I can't wait to find out what they are so I can actually give them names. :) I love seeing how big they have gotten in the last few weeks...they look like actual babies now! I always get really nervous right before any dr.'s appointment, but I can't help it.
I am going to upload some pics of the babies and this belly, which is already huge. I know there are two in there, but dang. lol But I told M it's all good and I am just going to let it hang out there.
We are pretty busy right now because we are moving. The dr. is doing a cerclage next week and is then taking me completely out of work. I was bummed at first but if I have to hang upside down, then that's what I will do. The problem with taking me out of work is having to go on CA disability, which as most people know is basically half of the your monthly income. M and I just can't afford that...shoot, that's basically my rent alone! So....we are moving into my parents house. Believe me, it's not something I want to do but we have to. Thank goodness they have a huge house and we are WAY on the other side of the house and they are upstairs. haha! It's only temporary thank goodness.

Big news

Well, some already know this....

But M and I are expecting again. And it's twins. I am nervous just writing this out but we are doing very well. I went for a cervical check yesterday but don't get the results until next week since it was at an outpatient place. I see my OB every two weeks and I believe he's doing the cervix checks at least once a month. I am currently 9 weeks. It seemed I wasn't ovulating on a regular basis so I went on Clomid in May and got pregnant in June. We were both very surprised! My doctor was like, holy crap...so fast!!

When we went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we saw just one baby. But I saw a shadow. The doctor said, no...it's ok and printed out the pictures. But he saw something on that picture, had me lay back down, and then there were TWO.

Today is my Mary's birthday and I know a lot of people will say that this is happening because of her. Personally...I don't like that saying. It's like saying she had to go. I don't know how to explain it really...it just makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I do ask her every night to watch over me and these two little ones.

Happy Birthday baby

I am one day early, but I think it would be a little hard to write all this tomorrow. Plus, M and I won't be home most of the day. I can't believe it's been a year...

Happy Birthday Mary...
I miss you more then words can say. My heart still hurts every day and I miss you so very much. Last year around this time, I thought we were doing good. But then momma got sick and so of course, that was going to affect you. I will never forget the dr. coming in and telling me that they just couldn't hold off any longer and would have to deliver because then I would go too.
You were born at 2:30 p.m. and left me and your daddy almost an hour later. That day is a little fuzzy but I remember when you were born. I saw you in the reflection of the dr,'s mask and you were kicking very hard. They gave you to me and that's all it took...one look and I was in love. You were tiny but were not messing around with those kicks. We couldn't believe how strong you were...but all I wanted to hear was one little cry because I thought that would mean there was maybe a chance.
You are my favorite girl and I wish things would have been different. I wish you were here everyday. Tomorrow, daddy and I plan to go see you and I am getting the prettiest flowers and some cute balloons. I think daddy is making cupcakes too tonight because some of his family might go too.
I miss you so very much and I don't understand why this happened. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be best friends.
I love you very much.

xoxo
Momma

Dreams

wow, they can be pretty vivid. I will wake up from them and think it's still happening and be all confused.
I have dreamnt about Mary before, but the last few weeks I have had some bad dreams. But then again, they are good because she is there. I had a dream last night where she was lying on the bed and talked to me! She looked a little bigger but it was her. She asked for a bottle and when I went to get it she said that she wanted to go to sleep. I leave the room and come back, but she is gone. And I am pregnant again. But it was like I was going to go through it all over again. I woke up very upset because it was just a dream and I couldn't see her anymore. I also was upset because I think what if it happens again? When will everything finally be ok?
I think I am dreaming more about her because her birthday is next week. From July 20th on, it's going to be hard. There were so many things going on last year at that time that I don't know how to deal with it all.
Sometimes I don't understand why this all happened. What did I do? I am a good person darn it. M is a wonderful man. How can we be so young and have gone through all of this? I feel like it really aged us.
I hope next week isn't too hard on us.

Fathers Day

Well, it's almost here. I won't be home much this weekend so I thought I should post something now.
M is doing pretty well but it will be hard on Sunday. I am taking him to brunch and a movie. We are probably going to go visit my dad but then just spend the rest of the day together. I also want to take Mary some flowers but I don't know how M will feel about that. I mean, of course he wants to go see her but on this particular day? It's going to be just so sad. I couldn't even go on Mothers Day. M's dad lives kind of far so I don't think we will go over there. Plus, his Stepmom and her mother always make the dumbest comments. M and I can only handle so much. But I still hope Sunday is going to be a good day for him. It just breaks my heart that this isn't a better year for him. I am hoping I have some great news coming up in the next couple weeks. ;)
On a happier note, I am taking my 7 year old niece to see Toy Story 3 tomorrow. omg...I love those movies and I can't wait. We have an awesome time together but I do wish I could spend more time with her. She is a really smart kid and cracks me up all the time. I have loved her from the moment I heard her first cry when she was born. Oh, I would take my nephew too but he is crazy! Plus, I can only handle one at a time. lol! He gets a date with me next weekend.

Anyway....Happy Fathers Day my love. You are an awesome Daddy and I knew you were going to be from the moment you saw that positive test. When you held our girl for the first time, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. You loved our girl from the first time you laid eyes on her and she loved you.
Things will get better honey...I promise.

working out

M and I went to the gym again for the first time in forever. I actually like going, once we get there. It's the GETTING there part. Ugh. I am freakin tired when I get home dang it. But the hour or so that I waste lying down or on the computer, watching TV, I could be working out. I am getting my ass back in shape. I also start my yoga class on Wednesday. I am excited and nervous about that one. I used to do yoga all the time when I danced, but that was like 10 years ago! I am going to look like a fool but that's ok because I am sure those other girls all started out that way.
I also found out today my thyroid is out of whack. I need to see my primary care dr. soon. I am going to first try to regulate it with losing some weight and eating A LOT better. It's just a big bummer because this one thing could be causing so many of my current issues. But I plan on changing that too. :)

It's June?!

wth?! Time just passes by. How is next month going to be one year? My girl would be one year old. Now I am not going to get into the whole adjusted age thing...that's too much to think about and frankly bums me out even more. Her birthday is July 31st and she was born at 2:30 p.m. Thank God her birthday is on a Saturday...I wouldn't be able to deal at work and can't really take time off right now.

I am going to get her the prettiest balloons and flowers and take some cupcakes. Although I don't leave them there...I don't want ants! I love her stone so much. A lot of people ask what the word on it means. It's Hawaiian and the meaning is "beloved child who is looked upon with pride and love."

10 months

Although I am a day late. I really didn't even go on the internet at all this weekend.
We had a nice relaxing holiday weekend. Saturday was a birthday party and Sunday we bbq'ed at my dads. Then we went to my cousins house and drank a little TOO much, playing quarters and high card/low card. haha!
But yesterday was the 31st. I actually didn't even realize it until later in the day. I was dusting in the living room and got up to get something...then it hit me. I didn't say anything to M because I am sure he realizes it too. I just kept cleaning and going about my day. When I walked into our closet to put some stuff away, I looked up at her book but I didn't bring it down. I just thought to myself, "hello baby...I miss you." I still think about her EVERYDAY. Not one day goes by that I don't and of course, the pain and grief is still there. It's just not as bad as it was last year, when I couldn't even stand up. When all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry and hold her bear.
But I am doing better and that's all I need to be right now.

Hope

I follow a lot of other blogs, especially those that have had losses. Actually before I was even pregnant with Mary, I followed them. M never understood why but it was almost like I had to see their happy ending. After I had Mary, I had to know if there would be that glimmer of hope for me too.
There is one blog in particular that I have followed for quite awhile now...a couple of years. After I had my second miscarriage at 12 weeks, a friend told me about thebump.com. I am still there. :) Those girls have been there for me on my darkest days and I have actually met a few already in person, who have become great friends and talk to almost daily. I am even meeting the one who pointed me in the direction of the bump this week! (Staycee! can't wait! We planned our weddings together!) Well, after reading some of their blogs back in the day I came across one that just broke my heart. But this woman was so strong I used to wonder how does she do it? She writes with such honesty and it's like she is saying what I am thinking when it came to our losses. Her sweet boy passed away when she was 36 weeks and she has struggled for quite some time with infertility.
When she became pregnant this last time, I just thought...please let her have her happy ending.
Well...she did. This past weekend she had a beautiful little girl. I was at Stateline (trying to win my money back! ha!) on Saturday and she went into labor and had the baby. Sunday morning I was online and thought I would check the blog and my heart just about jumped out of my chest when I saw the news!
This person in particular just gives me hope....and I have never even met her. How do we come out of the depths of darkness and see the light? How do we keep on going? We just do. We have to be strong. And just look at the rewards that come into our life. :)

Oh, and her blog is http://lunardreams.net/baby/

That is one beautiful family. Congrats Natalie and family!

Back to the gym

ugh. ::sighs and stomps foot:: Let's just get all that out now, k?

Ok...so I feel huge. I have no energy and really don't want to go. But honestly...after I work out I feel a ton better. M is great to work out with, he really motivates me and keeps me going. Before we got married, my dress was feeling a little tight. So, we used to go to the gym, but also go to the park and work out. Not just a run around the track...oh no. This guy used to set up orange traffic cones and make me run around them and do obstacle courses! Holy shit, he kicked my butt! I lost almost 15 lbs though! I also had to give up alcohol and was on a stricter diet. This is basically what we are doing now, except for the alcohol. Sorry, but once in awhile (mostly on the weekends) I need a beer or two.

New doctor...new plan.

I met with a new ob/gyn last night. ( Dr. F) I love the current one I have and this visit was basically to get a referral to see a specialist. We know I am not ovulating. I think this has always been one of the problems, but it doesn't seem to be happening every month. Otherwise, how did I get pregnant all those other times?
So, Dr. F was really nice and answered all my questions. Is it just me or is it standard to wait over an hour at a doctors office? Sheesh. Half of the girls in the office had a book, I Pod, or were playing with their phones. I had my I Pod but need to remember to bring a book....and a snack! Good grief, I was starving!
Anyway, my regular ob sent Dr. F all my medical records and let me tell you, it was a HUGE file. Dr. F was like, damn...that's a lot and I haven't even finished going through it all. So, we went over some medical history and basically he said that I need to get on Clomid once I start AF. (if that ever comes) My cycles are really irregular now. But I am going to start those meds and then get some more bloodwork done. He said he wants to do everything different and I am going to be so closely monitored that I am going to get sick of him. I haven't decided yet if I am going to stay with him or my other OB, because they do basically have the same plan. M is ok with whatever I want. He thinks I need a fresh start though so I might just stay with Dr. F.
The one thing Dr. F did ask is if I have gained any weight since last year and giving birth. Well, yeah...I have. :( He said that COULD also be preventing things so just to keep that in mind. I am and that's why we are at the gym now and eating better. Well, except for last night. We had chinese food. What? Although seeing the dr. and getting a new plan might seem great, it still sucks. I am starting all over with problems to begin with and going to a new dr. that is right next door to the other one brings back to many memories. I needed some comfort food.

Changes

What a difference in how my day is then when I actually get home. I work all day and have plenty of stuff to occupy my time. Then I get home and am just so...tired. M is wonderful and always trying to cheer me up. ( unless he's playing COD...then it's a no talk zone) But then I just sit there and think and drive myself a little crazy. I have insomnia on some nights and I will be up so late. I have no energy to get up the next morning. I was laying in bed last night (wide awake) and just thinking of how I dont' feel like myself anymore. I don't feel energetic or pretty or happy. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day. I look back at pics from just a year ago and I look different. So happy and youthful looking.
I need to get myself out of this funk. I know what the cause of it is....but how much longer can I go on like this? It's affecting my relationship with M. He can't stand to see me unhappy and I am the type of person who holds things in and can't talk about it sometimes. Yes, I know that's bad. I need to change things around me. I need to be smarter about things. And because I have slight OCD, you know I made a list.

1. get healthier. Eat better and work out 4-5 times a week. There is no reason why I can't do this. I need to stop being lazy.

2. start with little things like actually doing my hair in the morning. I feel so horrible sometimes that all I do is a ponytail...sans makeup. Not pretty.

3. Take walks. This is right up there with getting healthier. I like walking because it helps clear my mind.

4. Stop obsessing about shit I can't control. I see a new dr. next week because now that we are TTC, we might need a little help in some areas. It will happen damn it.

5. Internet/TV/phone: only a couple days a week. This goes for DH too. He doesn't need to be playing fuckin video games every night.

6. Work on projects to occupy my time and finish crap I started. Let's face it, it makes you feel better when you do this.

That's it for now but it's a lot. I need to just keep reminding myself it's all for the better.

on a happier note

I almost forgot to post this...it's M's birthday! the big 2-7! He's a youngster.

But isn't he handsome?

He had a good day. Got off work early, napped, my mom made him dinner, and got the new Avatar movie along with a HUGE Toblerone bar from yours truly. I wanted to get him some clothes but he really needs to try on things first. So, that's for another day. I am also throwing him a little shindig this weekend. He just wants friends, meatball sandwiches, beer and of course....beer pong! Good grief. That should be interesting especially with all my drunk friends. :) But we NEED a good time. A time to unwind and just enjoy each other. ( plus, I need happy posts damn it otherwise this will be the most depressing blog ever. I won't even want to come here. lol)

Side note: DAMN, Blue Ray movies look awesome. Especially on our new big screen!

The next step

So, I had a bit of a breakdown today. Shit was just too overwhelming. I feel like a failure and am disappointed in my body. I think I am in disbelief half the time and I have the type of personality where I need things to make sense. Now, I know life isn't always going to go my way but I just need some type of order. Lately, I felt like I am not myself. I look at wedding pics of M and me and I just can't believe how different (I think) I look. I look younger. Happier. I never thought in a million years that two years later I would have gone through all this. It's just fuckin unbelievable. How is it the only way I can "see" my daughter is to go sit next to her grave? How the hell are M and I even able to get up in the morning? Which also makes me think how are we still together? The divorce rate for couples who have lost children is so high. I see why now. M and I are doing ok though...we just keep going, holding onto each other.
So today I called my ob/gyn to get a referral for a fertility specialist. I believe there are some things that I need to get seen for. I could be wrong and just stressing myself out. But shit...look at my damn history. I can't so this anymore. I can't go through this heartache one more time. So, onto the next step.

Well...

The day came and passed. I think the anticipation of it all is the hardest. The days leading up to Mothers Day sucked hardcore. But M and I actually got through it all. He is amazing and helped me through it....just like I will do when Fathers Day comes.
We went and saw his mom and his sister. His sister took Mary flowers and gave me some which was really sweet. I did want to go to the cemetery but it was just too hard. Then we went to see my mom and sister and had a little bbq. My mom gave me a pretty bracelet and my sister gave me a gift card to get my nails done. I actually need to get them done...bad. :) Then M and I came home and just hung out. I cleaned, did laundry and then we snuggled and watched a movie. It was a nice day.

Well, I am a mother to my angels and Mary. I wish things were different but we keep on going.

Mothers Day

Well, it's almost here. Honestly, I am sick of this "holiday." I am so lucky to have my mom. She is a wonderful woman and I talk to her everyday.
But...8 years of this heartache. Seriously.
8 years, 4 pregnancies, no children. Some family give me cards and little trinkets, but I asked them to please not get me anything this year. The last few years have been hard on M and myself, but this time last year? Well, it was different. I was about 9 weeks or so and it was wonderful. I celebrated and not just on Mothers Day. I know I am a mother. I know I had my girl. But damn it...I thought this year I would be really celebrating. I would have had my girl with me. I don't want to do anything this year. I want to be left alone but I know that's almost a little selfish. Of course, I am going to see my mom and M's mom but it's going to be hard. After we see them, I don't get to come home and have a great day with my little family. I am going to the cemetery to visit my girl. This year is going to be so hard, it almost feels impossible that a person can handle this much pain and sorrow.

2 year wedding anniversary

2 years already? geez...time does go by quickly. However, M and I have been together for almost 8 years. I met him when he was 19, so yeah...a little too young to be talking about marriage.

After almost 4 years together, we decided to move in together. I had to test him out first! And let me tell you, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows at first. I have lived with only sisters my whole life and then it was just me with my parents. I had NO idea what it was like to live with a BOY! I had NO idea what it's like to live on my own! He did and laughed his ass off at me when we went grocery shopping the first time. I cried when I saw the bill. lol! I love M but good grief, he is a messy one! The first two months were a little difficult but we learned from each other and here we are years later. We still have our challenges but it's good to be married to him.

M is a wonderful man. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He woke me up this morning to tell me Happy Anniversary! That little thing made my day already a whole lot better. It's date night tonight too! We are going to go watch a movie (Nightmare on Elm St...romantic, no?) and maybe drinks after! Can't wait!

Spa day

So, I went to the spa the other day and it was awesome. I have had a gift card from M forever and I finally decided to use it. I just went for a pedicure but they do massages too. My gift card was enough for the pedi alone..that's how expensive they are!! Anyway, it was so relaxing and when I first sat down I couldn't relax! A million thoughts started going through my head and I had to finally tell my brain to shut up and relax. It felt so good.
Then the girl saw my tattoo and asked about it. I mean, how could she not...it's right there on my foot. This didn't bother me at all. I just told her and said it's my blonde cutie who passed away. She said she was sorry and then got quiet. But then asked how do I overcome this? How do I keep on going? I just told her that you have to keep getting up everyday...keep on going. There are so many hard days where it can knock you down and make it hard to breathe. But I have M who is amazing. I have friends and family that I can talk to and will actually listen even when I just want to scream and curse at the world.
Anyway, it was all ok. I had a great time and want to go back for a massage next time. My back needs it. :)

So....?

What's been going on in the Macias household?

Nada.

And that's ok. M and I are just enjoying our time together. I was watching a movie the other day and this beautiful song came on at the end. And I thought...things are ok. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. No, not everything is perfect. But we need to just take each day as it comes. I was renewing M's drivers license online today and one of the questions asked if he would want to be an organ donor. I checked the "no" box. I didn't even want to think about what I would do if I ever lost him. (yes, I know I was only renewing a DL, but still. Plus, it can be changed later.)People may not agree with me and yes, it's to help others, but I just couldn't. We have been through so much and I know life is short. That is why we are trying to live each day to the fullest and always say I love you. Even if he leaves his socks everywhere. I swear, it's like that guy is playing scavenger hunt with me. Drives me crazy! But when we go to bed and I get to snuggle next to a 6'2, sexy Hawaiian...it's all worth it.
But when I

birthdays

I was just thinking...when was my cat born? Ok, we got her in 2008 I think. And she was a few weeks old so I am going to say she was born in June. I think we gave the vet a date we had to guess on so I am going to have to check when I take her in for her shots. oh well...but this is probably going to bug me for awhile.
Speaking of birthdays..M's birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I have no idea what to get him! There's this old movie he has been wanting and I have been searching for it but no luck. :( He's going to be 27. Youngster! I hope I can give him a little surprise at that time too...we shall see.

been here before...

Yesterday I was driving to the mall after work....and of course, the hospital is across the street.
It's weird how it all hits you and the way it does. I could see the building and I thought of when I was there on bedrest. I remember my private room had two windows but my bed was far from it so really I had no view. Even the Carls Jr. across the street makes me start to think about it all. M would be there with me every night but hated the hospital food. Who wouldn't? So, he walked across the street a few times and brought us dinner. Then there's the ultrasound place next door. I had my genetic screening there and all was good at that time.
I was watching TV the other night and there was a new momma who had to leave her little ones in the NICU for a few more days because they were born a little early. She had a hard time doing that and broke down crying. When I had to pass the hospital again after leaving the mall, I saw the entrance. It made me think about when M and I had to leave Mary. I was taken outside in a wheelchair and he went to get his truck. Leaving her there was the hardest thing we ever had to do. I think I was still in shock. How could they expect me to just leave her? She needed me and I needed her. Although, she was gone I still wanted her to know I was there.
The other day I had a heating pad on but I moved it towards my arm because it was sore. I then had a flashback to her again. When she was born and the dr. put her on my chest, she was so warm. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I wanted so badly to hear just a little cry but she didn't. I will never forget that warmth of her body. Or her heartbeart. We were skin to skin and I could feel her heartbeating against mine. And then she was gone...
It's been almost 9 months now. 9 months. She has been gone longer then she was with me. Somedays I just can't wrap my mind around this. How can the sun keep rising? How can I keep getting up in the morning? But I have to do it. I do it for her.

oh, and if you haven't noticed

I kind of gave up on the blogging challenge. Meh. ;)
I love to post pics but don't really have time to keep doing that.
Just feeling like I am in a rut right now. Not sad but not angry...kind of in between. Work is bugging me right now. It's not the actual work, more like the people. That's about all that is going on. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life but I don't know what yet. I would really like to take some photography classes this upcoming semester.
There is something that is kind of bugging me though. I have so many things going on this year...weddings and vacations, possible school?However, I feel like I can't plan on anything because "what is I get pregnant?" It's kind of like a cruel joke. Hey, go ahead and plan everything like you did last year. But then you are going to get pregnant. And have problems. Then be on bedrest so you can't do anything or go anywhere. So, yeah...stop looking to move because all this will happen and you won't be able to afford a high mortgage because well, disability pay is a joke.
I don't know how to explain it. It's not good to think that way but I can't help it. I have been through all this before. I had all these things planned last year but then everything went wrong. So, I guess I am just scared to keep going. Make sense?

you know what sucks....

baby clothes...well, specifically girls clothes. Easter is almost here and all those cute little dresses? ugh. M and I were at the mall today and had to walk by the little girl department. I have been to stores where I see cribs, toys, clothes, etc. But when I see all these cute pink things? It hurts. I walked by little dresses and thought, what if?

Day 09 — A photo you took

well, actually it was supposed to be a photo that makes you angry/sad. I don't have any pics that make me angry/sad. I was going to post one of the baby because it makes me sad she isn't here. But those pics also make me happy.

So, here's a photo I took.

I love it. It's at our goddaughters baptismal. M held her almost the whole time! He's such a baby hog. :)

1 year ago today...

I got the best news. I was late and had taken a pregnancy test a few days before but it was negative. So, I took one again but looked at the results too soon. M asked what it was and I said it's a no. He wanted to see it (for some odd reason) and when I went to get the test...there were two lines. BUT it had been about 15 minutes so I know I couldn't go off those results. We hauled ass to Target and got a trusty digital.
When we got home, I took the test right away. I wrapped it up in tp and handed it to M. I tell you...the smile he got when he looked at the results could light up a room. I will never forget that moment.

My Mary:
I was talking to you last night and I hoped you can hear me. I hung up your cross that was on your casket and slept with your bear again. (well, I do that pretty much every night) Last night was pretty tough but I am a little better today. I reminded your daddy what today would be too. He is amazed how many dates I can remember, but I know them all. I know your first ultrasound, your first flutter/kick, etc. I also remember the first time I got sick with morning sickness. Good grief, that was tough. I had it about a week after i found out about you until the week before you were born. EVERYDAY. ALL DAY. But you were worth it.
Miss you lots and lots. xoxoxo

Mommy

in a funk

I am going to give the 30 day blog challenge a rest, although it's looking bad already. :)

I am just in a funk this week...I got a really important date/reminder coming up this Friday and I am just trying to get through this week.

Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy

This is a picture of my great aunt blessing me right before I got married. I love it, yet it's bittersweet because a few weeks before I got married, my grandma passed away. She would have been there doing this. But when my great aunt arrived from New Mexico, I asked her to please do it. It was really hard since my grandma was gone but I am so happy my aunt was there for me.

Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy

I have already posted one of my fave quotes for the moment so moving on...whatever tickles my fancy.
M cooking. Man...he can cook. Like he should be on a cooking show. I, on the other hand, suck. I love that he loves to try new things but can make even simple things like spaghetti taste awesome. He even made tamales with the family (well, the women) last year. He wanted to learn so he did it. LOVE.

My heart is happy...

even if it's for the moment.
I came across a painting I saw on another blog awhile ago. This person (who is amazing by the way) has also suffered a loss, about two weeks after Mary. I fell in love with it. I couldn't stop looking at it. At first, I was wondering why but then it hit me. This painting WAS Mary. But at the same time this little girl symbolizes so much more, to so many others.
I contacted the artist and ordered a print. I can't WAIT! The artist is also an amazing, talented woman. I can tell already I am going to be purchasing more from her in the future.

It's the fourth one down...called "mine for a moment." Isn't that beautiful and such a fitting title?

http://www.theartistoflife.com/blog/paintings/

Day 04 — Your favorite book

I am not a big reader, but I will have to say right now it's the Sookie Stackhouse series. Love the True Blood show, but I think the books are great too.
When I was a kid, I LOVED the Beverly Cleary books. Ramona Quimby! I was just talking to my sister today about sending our 7 year old niece those books. I can't believe she will start reading those now!

Day 03 — Your favorite television program

Currently, it's Cougar Town. I love it.
When I was a kid, you couldn't move me away from the TV when the Simpsons were on. Seriously.

Day 02 — Your favorite movie

oh man...there are so many, just like songs!
So, I can't list just one. :)

Tombstone: Don't watch it with me...I will quote the whole thing

A Bronx Tale: You wouldn't even have to watch this movie...my cousin and I can re-enact every scene for you.

Casino: I Love Vegas.

Day 01 — Your favorite song

I have so many! But the one that I always sing to when it's on (and it drives M crazy!) is "Today was a Good Day" by Ice Cube. I know all the words and as soon as it comes on I have to turn it up. :)

blogging challenge

30 Day Blogging Challenge
Stolen from my friend Jennifers blog...I sometimes suck at blogging so this will help. :)

Day 01 — Your favorite song
Day 02 — Your favorite movie
Day 03 — Your favorite television program
Day 04 — Your favorite book
Day 05 — Your favorite quote
Day 06 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 — A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 — A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 — A photo you took
Day 10 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 — A fictional book
Day 14 — A non-fictional book
Day 15 — A fanfic
Day 16 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 — A talent of yours
Day 20 — A hobby of yours
Day 21 — A recipe
Day 22 — A website
Day 23 — A YouTube video
Day 24 — Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 — Your day, in great detail
Day 26 — Your week, in great detail
Day 27 — This month, in great detail
Day 28 — This year, in great detail
Day 29 — Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 — Whatever tickles your fancy

rainy day

So, it's been raining all morning. I can't wait for spring! The only good thing about rain is that it makes you want to stay in bed and do nothing all day. But I get too antsy for that! I have to get up and do something! We were going to go to the cemetery today but I think we will do it tomorrow instead. I bought Mary some cute little spring decorations and going to get some flowers...maybe tulips. When graduation for the high schools is closer, we will get a lei. We wanted to do that when she got her headstone, but it's kind of hard to find one in the middle of the winter.

a perfect quote

Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell her about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?

My new tattoo

The picture in the header above is M's arm. He got it a few months after Mary passed away. It's so beautiful and it was something he wanted to do for himself, and of course his little girl.

We have been talking about me going to get one for a few months now. I already have two other tattoos so it's not like I am new to them. But I was always hesitant. A few days ago, he told me that right after work, we were going to the shop and getting me one. I knew I wanted a turtle with her name. Turtles would have been in her nursery whether she was a boy or a girl. So, I took some of the design on his other arm and let the artist get creative. (oh, it hurt...like bad)

I wish things were different and I didn't have to get this tattoo.

But she was worth it.

Hello, friend.

Nope, not this month

maybe next month.
Sometimes I get a little worried and think that maybe Mary was our last chance. We know there is not a physical reason why I can't get pregnant. Hello, 4 times. But then I worry that something happened and now it will be either harder to get pregnant or it's just not going to happen. I can't believe it's going to be 7 months soon. Sooner then I like, July 31st wil be here. My little girls birthday. These months are going by too fast.

6 months

Well, here we are 6 months later. Is anything really different? Kind of...but there are many days when it feels like it just happened.

Dear my Mary,

I miss you very much but you already know that because I tell you every night. There are too many times where I don't think I can do it anymore, but I will do it for you. I was looking at your pics tonight and you were so pretty. That's the first thing I think about when I see your pictures. Your perfect nose and ears and the peach fuzz on your cheeks. Some days I can still feel you around and it makes me feel better. However, I wish that I had a crib next to our bed instead of an empty space. I wish I was shopping for your little Valentines Day outfit. It still hurts to see baby clothes. Yesterday I saw a 3 month old baby with blonde hair and blue eyes and I thought about you. Would you be stubborn and crabby in the morning like me or mellow and all sunshine in the morning like your dad?
I love and miss you very much. Sweet dreams my love.

xoxo
Momma

we need to move

It's find and all here but I am getting irritated with things here...neighbors and stuff. Plus, if we try again and get pregnant we need an extra room. I will not have my kid in the same room with me when they are a toddler. It's all good when they are newborns, but if they are walking I think they need their own bed.

what to say...what to say...

Do you ever feel like your life is now defined by one event? Having a baby, then losing her/him. That's it. What was I doing before? Is this how everyone will know me now?
No.
There's just not much going on right now. Sure, we are trying but that's not all we do. After we got married, people were asking right away..."when are you going to have kids?" geez people, we just said I DO, give us some time.
Now we get that question again. It will happen so be patient.
We are thinking of taking a Vegas trip but not sure when. I would like to go in February but it's still up in the air. Maybe our luck will change there? ;)

It's going to be a good day...

I need to keep repeating this when I wake up in the morning. (and read the post below again)
Most days of course suck but we are doing ok.
I caught myself in a work meeting earlier today drifting off. No, not sleeping (although I am very tired). I just started thinking of that horrible, yet beautiful day when Mary was born. Tears started to form, but I held it back. I didn't want my boss to think I was getting all emotional because of the new assignments she was giving us. :)
Driving is probably the worse. Well, driving by myself which is usually to and from work. I have too many thoughts going through my head. But then certain songs will come on and I will feel better.
M and I are trying again. I am charting my ovulation and we will see what happens. Hopefully, (before this year is over) we will have added to our little family.

Being thankful...

Yeah, this blog needs some positive vibes.

Though we have had some horrible times these past few years, I am VERY thankful for my life. I have such a wonderful, beautiful husband. He's not just handsome....he's beautiful in every way. I am thankful that he came into my life. We have had our ups and downs like any married couple, but we were meant to be.

My family is awesome. I had a great childhood and a very supportive family. They drive me crazy but it's what I love about them.

I have a job. In today's economy that is a blessing. Although, there are many days where I want to walk out. We are not a rich family, but we have what we need. Times are tough, bills pile up, but we manage.

My wonderful friends. One word: understanding. They are great people and I couldn't ask for more.

Mary of course. I am a mom...her mom. She was beautiful and loved from the beginning. I, of course, wish things were different and I was holding her right now but I am thankful for knowing her. She was my girl.

So, there you go. :)

year in review

I am a little late but it was a hard first few days into the new year.

Let's see if I can even remember: :)

January: after suffering another m/c, we decided to get many, many tests done. What do you know? nothing was wrong with me

February: not much going on here

March: March 26th....took a pregnancy test because I just had a feeling. no line at first. A few minutes later, M asked what happened and to see the test. I told him no line showed up but when I went to show him...there were two line! holy crap! We ran out to Target and got a digital. After I POAS, I wrapped it in tp and gave it to him to look at first. I was so nervous! A HUGE smile spread across his face. We were pregnant!

April: First u/s. We were soooo nervous but everything looked good. Due date was December 2nd.

May: So far so good. We also celebrated out 1 year anniversary!!

June: Not so good, bleeding scare. I went on bed rest for a week and the worse thing was I had to miss my sisters out of state wedding. :(

July: back to work, everything was going great except I got a UTI.
July 20th....admitted to the hospital for pre term labor. I had a really hard time but was getting through it. July 31st little Mary was born and passed away almost an hour later in her daddys arms.

August: too much of a blur. We had her funeral. Another good friend lost her little girl. so heartbraking but I am very lucky to have such a wonderful friend in my life.

September: already back to work and having a really hard time.

October: nothing...Halloween? who gives a crap. I think we got drunk.

November: the first real holiday after Mary died. Hated it all.

December: due date....I had to take that day off of work.doing better but then here comes x-mas. Wanted to just get it over with but sister was here to visit so that made it all better! Also, my little nephew was born on December 14th.

And here were are....2010. Hopefully a better year. We shall see.

New Year

People tell me , "new year, fresh start....you can try again!" While that may be true, losing a child just carries over. The pain, confusion, sadness. All of it. Having another baby of course will be a joyous occasion and I can't wait until that day but the grief over losing Mary will stay with me forever. I had a brother who was the first born and died 40 years ago...at birth. My parents first and only boy. The pain and sadness is still there in my parents eyes. And I can't help but think that will be me in 10, 20, 50 years. Of course I will have my other children but there will be one missing.