So, I had a bit of a breakdown today. Shit was just too overwhelming. I feel like a failure and am disappointed in my body. I think I am in disbelief half the time and I have the type of personality where I need things to make sense. Now, I know life isn't always going to go my way but I just need some type of order. Lately, I felt like I am not myself. I look at wedding pics of M and me and I just can't believe how different (I think) I look. I look younger. Happier. I never thought in a million years that two years later I would have gone through all this. It's just fuckin unbelievable. How is it the only way I can "see" my daughter is to go sit next to her grave? How the hell are M and I even able to get up in the morning? Which also makes me think how are we still together? The divorce rate for couples who have lost children is so high. I see why now. M and I are doing ok though...we just keep going, holding onto each other.
So today I called my ob/gyn to get a referral for a fertility specialist. I believe there are some things that I need to get seen for. I could be wrong and just stressing myself out. But shit...look at my damn history. I can't so this anymore. I can't go through this heartache one more time. So, onto the next step.
No comments:
Post a Comment