So, I went to the spa the other day and it was awesome. I have had a gift card from M forever and I finally decided to use it. I just went for a pedicure but they do massages too. My gift card was enough for the pedi alone..that's how expensive they are!! Anyway, it was so relaxing and when I first sat down I couldn't relax! A million thoughts started going through my head and I had to finally tell my brain to shut up and relax. It felt so good.
Then the girl saw my tattoo and asked about it. I mean, how could she not...it's right there on my foot. This didn't bother me at all. I just told her and said it's my blonde cutie who passed away. She said she was sorry and then got quiet. But then asked how do I overcome this? How do I keep on going? I just told her that you have to keep getting up everyday...keep on going. There are so many hard days where it can knock you down and make it hard to breathe. But I have M who is amazing. I have friends and family that I can talk to and will actually listen even when I just want to scream and curse at the world.
Anyway, it was all ok. I had a great time and want to go back for a massage next time. My back needs it. :)
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
So....?
What's been going on in the Macias household?
Nada.
And that's ok. M and I are just enjoying our time together. I was watching a movie the other day and this beautiful song came on at the end. And I thought...things are ok. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. No, not everything is perfect. But we need to just take each day as it comes. I was renewing M's drivers license online today and one of the questions asked if he would want to be an organ donor. I checked the "no" box. I didn't even want to think about what I would do if I ever lost him. (yes, I know I was only renewing a DL, but still. Plus, it can be changed later.)People may not agree with me and yes, it's to help others, but I just couldn't. We have been through so much and I know life is short. That is why we are trying to live each day to the fullest and always say I love you. Even if he leaves his socks everywhere. I swear, it's like that guy is playing scavenger hunt with me. Drives me crazy! But when we go to bed and I get to snuggle next to a 6'2, sexy Hawaiian...it's all worth it.
But when I
Nada.
And that's ok. M and I are just enjoying our time together. I was watching a movie the other day and this beautiful song came on at the end. And I thought...things are ok. It's been awhile since I have been able to say that. No, not everything is perfect. But we need to just take each day as it comes. I was renewing M's drivers license online today and one of the questions asked if he would want to be an organ donor. I checked the "no" box. I didn't even want to think about what I would do if I ever lost him. (yes, I know I was only renewing a DL, but still. Plus, it can be changed later.)People may not agree with me and yes, it's to help others, but I just couldn't. We have been through so much and I know life is short. That is why we are trying to live each day to the fullest and always say I love you. Even if he leaves his socks everywhere. I swear, it's like that guy is playing scavenger hunt with me. Drives me crazy! But when we go to bed and I get to snuggle next to a 6'2, sexy Hawaiian...it's all worth it.
But when I
Monday, April 19, 2010
birthdays
I was just thinking...when was my cat born? Ok, we got her in 2008 I think. And she was a few weeks old so I am going to say she was born in June. I think we gave the vet a date we had to guess on so I am going to have to check when I take her in for her shots. oh well...but this is probably going to bug me for awhile.
Speaking of birthdays..M's birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I have no idea what to get him! There's this old movie he has been wanting and I have been searching for it but no luck. :( He's going to be 27. Youngster! I hope I can give him a little surprise at that time too...we shall see.
Speaking of birthdays..M's birthday is coming up in a few weeks! I have no idea what to get him! There's this old movie he has been wanting and I have been searching for it but no luck. :( He's going to be 27. Youngster! I hope I can give him a little surprise at that time too...we shall see.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
been here before...
Yesterday I was driving to the mall after work....and of course, the hospital is across the street.
It's weird how it all hits you and the way it does. I could see the building and I thought of when I was there on bedrest. I remember my private room had two windows but my bed was far from it so really I had no view. Even the Carls Jr. across the street makes me start to think about it all. M would be there with me every night but hated the hospital food. Who wouldn't? So, he walked across the street a few times and brought us dinner. Then there's the ultrasound place next door. I had my genetic screening there and all was good at that time.
I was watching TV the other night and there was a new momma who had to leave her little ones in the NICU for a few more days because they were born a little early. She had a hard time doing that and broke down crying. When I had to pass the hospital again after leaving the mall, I saw the entrance. It made me think about when M and I had to leave Mary. I was taken outside in a wheelchair and he went to get his truck. Leaving her there was the hardest thing we ever had to do. I think I was still in shock. How could they expect me to just leave her? She needed me and I needed her. Although, she was gone I still wanted her to know I was there.
The other day I had a heating pad on but I moved it towards my arm because it was sore. I then had a flashback to her again. When she was born and the dr. put her on my chest, she was so warm. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I wanted so badly to hear just a little cry but she didn't. I will never forget that warmth of her body. Or her heartbeart. We were skin to skin and I could feel her heartbeating against mine. And then she was gone...
It's been almost 9 months now. 9 months. She has been gone longer then she was with me. Somedays I just can't wrap my mind around this. How can the sun keep rising? How can I keep getting up in the morning? But I have to do it. I do it for her.
It's weird how it all hits you and the way it does. I could see the building and I thought of when I was there on bedrest. I remember my private room had two windows but my bed was far from it so really I had no view. Even the Carls Jr. across the street makes me start to think about it all. M would be there with me every night but hated the hospital food. Who wouldn't? So, he walked across the street a few times and brought us dinner. Then there's the ultrasound place next door. I had my genetic screening there and all was good at that time.
I was watching TV the other night and there was a new momma who had to leave her little ones in the NICU for a few more days because they were born a little early. She had a hard time doing that and broke down crying. When I had to pass the hospital again after leaving the mall, I saw the entrance. It made me think about when M and I had to leave Mary. I was taken outside in a wheelchair and he went to get his truck. Leaving her there was the hardest thing we ever had to do. I think I was still in shock. How could they expect me to just leave her? She needed me and I needed her. Although, she was gone I still wanted her to know I was there.
The other day I had a heating pad on but I moved it towards my arm because it was sore. I then had a flashback to her again. When she was born and the dr. put her on my chest, she was so warm. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I wanted so badly to hear just a little cry but she didn't. I will never forget that warmth of her body. Or her heartbeart. We were skin to skin and I could feel her heartbeating against mine. And then she was gone...
It's been almost 9 months now. 9 months. She has been gone longer then she was with me. Somedays I just can't wrap my mind around this. How can the sun keep rising? How can I keep getting up in the morning? But I have to do it. I do it for her.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
oh, and if you haven't noticed
I kind of gave up on the blogging challenge. Meh. ;)
I love to post pics but don't really have time to keep doing that.
Just feeling like I am in a rut right now. Not sad but not angry...kind of in between. Work is bugging me right now. It's not the actual work, more like the people. That's about all that is going on. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life but I don't know what yet. I would really like to take some photography classes this upcoming semester.
There is something that is kind of bugging me though. I have so many things going on this year...weddings and vacations, possible school?However, I feel like I can't plan on anything because "what is I get pregnant?" It's kind of like a cruel joke. Hey, go ahead and plan everything like you did last year. But then you are going to get pregnant. And have problems. Then be on bedrest so you can't do anything or go anywhere. So, yeah...stop looking to move because all this will happen and you won't be able to afford a high mortgage because well, disability pay is a joke.
I don't know how to explain it. It's not good to think that way but I can't help it. I have been through all this before. I had all these things planned last year but then everything went wrong. So, I guess I am just scared to keep going. Make sense?
I love to post pics but don't really have time to keep doing that.
Just feeling like I am in a rut right now. Not sad but not angry...kind of in between. Work is bugging me right now. It's not the actual work, more like the people. That's about all that is going on. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life but I don't know what yet. I would really like to take some photography classes this upcoming semester.
There is something that is kind of bugging me though. I have so many things going on this year...weddings and vacations, possible school?However, I feel like I can't plan on anything because "what is I get pregnant?" It's kind of like a cruel joke. Hey, go ahead and plan everything like you did last year. But then you are going to get pregnant. And have problems. Then be on bedrest so you can't do anything or go anywhere. So, yeah...stop looking to move because all this will happen and you won't be able to afford a high mortgage because well, disability pay is a joke.
I don't know how to explain it. It's not good to think that way but I can't help it. I have been through all this before. I had all these things planned last year but then everything went wrong. So, I guess I am just scared to keep going. Make sense?
Friday, April 2, 2010
you know what sucks....
baby clothes...well, specifically girls clothes. Easter is almost here and all those cute little dresses? ugh. M and I were at the mall today and had to walk by the little girl department. I have been to stores where I see cribs, toys, clothes, etc. But when I see all these cute pink things? It hurts. I walked by little dresses and thought, what if?
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