Hope

I follow a lot of other blogs, especially those that have had losses. Actually before I was even pregnant with Mary, I followed them. M never understood why but it was almost like I had to see their happy ending. After I had Mary, I had to know if there would be that glimmer of hope for me too.
There is one blog in particular that I have followed for quite awhile now...a couple of years. After I had my second miscarriage at 12 weeks, a friend told me about thebump.com. I am still there. :) Those girls have been there for me on my darkest days and I have actually met a few already in person, who have become great friends and talk to almost daily. I am even meeting the one who pointed me in the direction of the bump this week! (Staycee! can't wait! We planned our weddings together!) Well, after reading some of their blogs back in the day I came across one that just broke my heart. But this woman was so strong I used to wonder how does she do it? She writes with such honesty and it's like she is saying what I am thinking when it came to our losses. Her sweet boy passed away when she was 36 weeks and she has struggled for quite some time with infertility.
When she became pregnant this last time, I just thought...please let her have her happy ending.
Well...she did. This past weekend she had a beautiful little girl. I was at Stateline (trying to win my money back! ha!) on Saturday and she went into labor and had the baby. Sunday morning I was online and thought I would check the blog and my heart just about jumped out of my chest when I saw the news!
This person in particular just gives me hope....and I have never even met her. How do we come out of the depths of darkness and see the light? How do we keep on going? We just do. We have to be strong. And just look at the rewards that come into our life. :)

Oh, and her blog is http://lunardreams.net/baby/

That is one beautiful family. Congrats Natalie and family!

Back to the gym

ugh. ::sighs and stomps foot:: Let's just get all that out now, k?

Ok...so I feel huge. I have no energy and really don't want to go. But honestly...after I work out I feel a ton better. M is great to work out with, he really motivates me and keeps me going. Before we got married, my dress was feeling a little tight. So, we used to go to the gym, but also go to the park and work out. Not just a run around the track...oh no. This guy used to set up orange traffic cones and make me run around them and do obstacle courses! Holy shit, he kicked my butt! I lost almost 15 lbs though! I also had to give up alcohol and was on a stricter diet. This is basically what we are doing now, except for the alcohol. Sorry, but once in awhile (mostly on the weekends) I need a beer or two.

New doctor...new plan.

I met with a new ob/gyn last night. ( Dr. F) I love the current one I have and this visit was basically to get a referral to see a specialist. We know I am not ovulating. I think this has always been one of the problems, but it doesn't seem to be happening every month. Otherwise, how did I get pregnant all those other times?
So, Dr. F was really nice and answered all my questions. Is it just me or is it standard to wait over an hour at a doctors office? Sheesh. Half of the girls in the office had a book, I Pod, or were playing with their phones. I had my I Pod but need to remember to bring a book....and a snack! Good grief, I was starving!
Anyway, my regular ob sent Dr. F all my medical records and let me tell you, it was a HUGE file. Dr. F was like, damn...that's a lot and I haven't even finished going through it all. So, we went over some medical history and basically he said that I need to get on Clomid once I start AF. (if that ever comes) My cycles are really irregular now. But I am going to start those meds and then get some more bloodwork done. He said he wants to do everything different and I am going to be so closely monitored that I am going to get sick of him. I haven't decided yet if I am going to stay with him or my other OB, because they do basically have the same plan. M is ok with whatever I want. He thinks I need a fresh start though so I might just stay with Dr. F.
The one thing Dr. F did ask is if I have gained any weight since last year and giving birth. Well, yeah...I have. :( He said that COULD also be preventing things so just to keep that in mind. I am and that's why we are at the gym now and eating better. Well, except for last night. We had chinese food. What? Although seeing the dr. and getting a new plan might seem great, it still sucks. I am starting all over with problems to begin with and going to a new dr. that is right next door to the other one brings back to many memories. I needed some comfort food.

Changes

What a difference in how my day is then when I actually get home. I work all day and have plenty of stuff to occupy my time. Then I get home and am just so...tired. M is wonderful and always trying to cheer me up. ( unless he's playing COD...then it's a no talk zone) But then I just sit there and think and drive myself a little crazy. I have insomnia on some nights and I will be up so late. I have no energy to get up the next morning. I was laying in bed last night (wide awake) and just thinking of how I dont' feel like myself anymore. I don't feel energetic or pretty or happy. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day. I look back at pics from just a year ago and I look different. So happy and youthful looking.
I need to get myself out of this funk. I know what the cause of it is....but how much longer can I go on like this? It's affecting my relationship with M. He can't stand to see me unhappy and I am the type of person who holds things in and can't talk about it sometimes. Yes, I know that's bad. I need to change things around me. I need to be smarter about things. And because I have slight OCD, you know I made a list.

1. get healthier. Eat better and work out 4-5 times a week. There is no reason why I can't do this. I need to stop being lazy.

2. start with little things like actually doing my hair in the morning. I feel so horrible sometimes that all I do is a ponytail...sans makeup. Not pretty.

3. Take walks. This is right up there with getting healthier. I like walking because it helps clear my mind.

4. Stop obsessing about shit I can't control. I see a new dr. next week because now that we are TTC, we might need a little help in some areas. It will happen damn it.

5. Internet/TV/phone: only a couple days a week. This goes for DH too. He doesn't need to be playing fuckin video games every night.

6. Work on projects to occupy my time and finish crap I started. Let's face it, it makes you feel better when you do this.

That's it for now but it's a lot. I need to just keep reminding myself it's all for the better.

on a happier note

I almost forgot to post this...it's M's birthday! the big 2-7! He's a youngster.

But isn't he handsome?

He had a good day. Got off work early, napped, my mom made him dinner, and got the new Avatar movie along with a HUGE Toblerone bar from yours truly. I wanted to get him some clothes but he really needs to try on things first. So, that's for another day. I am also throwing him a little shindig this weekend. He just wants friends, meatball sandwiches, beer and of course....beer pong! Good grief. That should be interesting especially with all my drunk friends. :) But we NEED a good time. A time to unwind and just enjoy each other. ( plus, I need happy posts damn it otherwise this will be the most depressing blog ever. I won't even want to come here. lol)

Side note: DAMN, Blue Ray movies look awesome. Especially on our new big screen!

The next step

So, I had a bit of a breakdown today. Shit was just too overwhelming. I feel like a failure and am disappointed in my body. I think I am in disbelief half the time and I have the type of personality where I need things to make sense. Now, I know life isn't always going to go my way but I just need some type of order. Lately, I felt like I am not myself. I look at wedding pics of M and me and I just can't believe how different (I think) I look. I look younger. Happier. I never thought in a million years that two years later I would have gone through all this. It's just fuckin unbelievable. How is it the only way I can "see" my daughter is to go sit next to her grave? How the hell are M and I even able to get up in the morning? Which also makes me think how are we still together? The divorce rate for couples who have lost children is so high. I see why now. M and I are doing ok though...we just keep going, holding onto each other.
So today I called my ob/gyn to get a referral for a fertility specialist. I believe there are some things that I need to get seen for. I could be wrong and just stressing myself out. But shit...look at my damn history. I can't so this anymore. I can't go through this heartache one more time. So, onto the next step.

Well...

The day came and passed. I think the anticipation of it all is the hardest. The days leading up to Mothers Day sucked hardcore. But M and I actually got through it all. He is amazing and helped me through it....just like I will do when Fathers Day comes.
We went and saw his mom and his sister. His sister took Mary flowers and gave me some which was really sweet. I did want to go to the cemetery but it was just too hard. Then we went to see my mom and sister and had a little bbq. My mom gave me a pretty bracelet and my sister gave me a gift card to get my nails done. I actually need to get them done...bad. :) Then M and I came home and just hung out. I cleaned, did laundry and then we snuggled and watched a movie. It was a nice day.

Well, I am a mother to my angels and Mary. I wish things were different but we keep on going.

Mothers Day

Well, it's almost here. Honestly, I am sick of this "holiday." I am so lucky to have my mom. She is a wonderful woman and I talk to her everyday.
But...8 years of this heartache. Seriously.
8 years, 4 pregnancies, no children. Some family give me cards and little trinkets, but I asked them to please not get me anything this year. The last few years have been hard on M and myself, but this time last year? Well, it was different. I was about 9 weeks or so and it was wonderful. I celebrated and not just on Mothers Day. I know I am a mother. I know I had my girl. But damn it...I thought this year I would be really celebrating. I would have had my girl with me. I don't want to do anything this year. I want to be left alone but I know that's almost a little selfish. Of course, I am going to see my mom and M's mom but it's going to be hard. After we see them, I don't get to come home and have a great day with my little family. I am going to the cemetery to visit my girl. This year is going to be so hard, it almost feels impossible that a person can handle this much pain and sorrow.

2 year wedding anniversary

2 years already? geez...time does go by quickly. However, M and I have been together for almost 8 years. I met him when he was 19, so yeah...a little too young to be talking about marriage.

After almost 4 years together, we decided to move in together. I had to test him out first! And let me tell you, it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows at first. I have lived with only sisters my whole life and then it was just me with my parents. I had NO idea what it was like to live with a BOY! I had NO idea what it's like to live on my own! He did and laughed his ass off at me when we went grocery shopping the first time. I cried when I saw the bill. lol! I love M but good grief, he is a messy one! The first two months were a little difficult but we learned from each other and here we are years later. We still have our challenges but it's good to be married to him.

M is a wonderful man. I couldn't ask for anyone better. He woke me up this morning to tell me Happy Anniversary! That little thing made my day already a whole lot better. It's date night tonight too! We are going to go watch a movie (Nightmare on Elm St...romantic, no?) and maybe drinks after! Can't wait!