Christmas trees.

M surprised me and brought one home. It's a small one because the cat will really mess up a bigger one. It's really cute but I was really hoping that this Christmas was going to be different. I thought we would have moved out by now and had a bigger place...with a nursery. Christmas trees are supposed to make everything look brighter. I love our little tree but it is bittersweet.

Regrets?

I have many. I look back now and think that things should have been different. I wasn't with Mary when she passed. I was very sick and they had to rush me off to surgery. I came right back, the nurses wouldn't let the surgeon make me go back to recovery. They wanted me to be with her. But I wasn't really...I was so drugged up. But then I was so out of it period. It was like I was dreaming. I know now that I was in shock. I held her most of the time and then would give her back to M or other family members. She layed on my chest most of the time but it's like I wasn't really there. I can't really explain it. We took some pics and so did our wonderful nurse. But should we have taken more? I didn't get any of her with M because you just aren't thinking straight at that point. There is only one with me. What about that night when they put me in another room? I should have asked to have her with us. But I didn't. I was more scared then anything. M said there is no way I would be able to handle it because I was having a breakdown. I could barely look at the pics they brought to us the next day without crying out. There are many what if's that make me wonder too. What if I would have just gotten an exam a few weeks before? They would have seen what was going on. I would have had a cerclage or whatever and she would probably be here now. I used to think she was going to be a November baby...no way was she going to go to December 2nd. I would dream of me going into labor on Thanksgiving (after eating of course) and all would be ok.
At the funeral I was in a daze....I just couldn't believe it. Mary was gone. When we went to dress her, I almost lost it. She was so tiny and I just wanted her to wake up and open her eyes. I begged God for days to wake me up from this bad dream....I would do anything to bring her back. I held her after we dressed her. She was just so cold and all I wanted was for her to be warm again, like when she was after she was born. Just kick me one more time. Did she feel and know how much we loved her? When the funeral workers came to put her in the ground, I closed my eyes. I knew this was it. When I opened them, they had already put her in the ground. I had to hold onto M because I wanted to jump in there with her. What if I could have just hugged her one more time? I told M later that I wanted them to give me the casket so I could do just that. But he said there was no way I would have ever let go.

Finally...

Her gravestone has finally arrived.

Friends

Of course I have a great, supportive family but I also have some pretty amazing friends.
After mary passed away, I had so much support and love from these people...most of whom I actually have never met. Doesn't sound right, huh?
Well, it's true. From a certain board that I have been on for a few years now, I have "met" some of the greatest people around. M couldn't get over how much they cared and reached out to us after Mary was born. He actually used to make fun of me for it but he totally gets it now.

Funeral homes

When planning Marys funeral and on the day of, they were wonderful. They did a very nice job making sure everything was perfect for her.
But more then three months later, we are yet to see a headstone. I had to approve the writing and design twice already. When I called the lady said it's been only 4 weeks since my last approval and it usually takes 6-8 weeks for it to come in. So....I just might get it on her due date. Awesome. Thanks for that people.
I don't think they realize that I can't go see her until the headstone is there. This alone breaks my heart because I think of her alone out there, in the cold. What am I supposed to do? Go try to figure out the exact spot she is at and cry over some dead grass? I don't remember her exact spot because well, I wasn't really paying attention that day. I was a little distraced with them putting my daughters casket in the ground.

a non believer...

I don't believe in :

good beta levels....mine were perfect.
passing the 12 week mark....I obviously did that.
morning sickness as a good sign....I had it the WHOLE TIME.
Brown spotting is good.
depriving myslef of certain foods...sushi is one thing, but cold lunch meat is ok.

I did everything I was supposed to...all 4 TIMES and look out the outcome. From 4 weeks until 40 weeks, it's going to be hard. I will have that constant worry and nobody can tell me different.

anything else?

Well, just had my gallbladder removed last week. Nice, I know. I would be a very happy girl if I could finish out the rest of this year without seeing any more doctors or at the hospital. Not to menton the million dollars I owe in hospital bills. Well, it seems like that much. I guess it's a good thing I got it removed so I won't get gallstones again and then have to be in pain. One less thing to worry about...