Regrets?

I have many. I look back now and think that things should have been different. I wasn't with Mary when she passed. I was very sick and they had to rush me off to surgery. I came right back, the nurses wouldn't let the surgeon make me go back to recovery. They wanted me to be with her. But I wasn't really...I was so drugged up. But then I was so out of it period. It was like I was dreaming. I know now that I was in shock. I held her most of the time and then would give her back to M or other family members. She layed on my chest most of the time but it's like I wasn't really there. I can't really explain it. We took some pics and so did our wonderful nurse. But should we have taken more? I didn't get any of her with M because you just aren't thinking straight at that point. There is only one with me. What about that night when they put me in another room? I should have asked to have her with us. But I didn't. I was more scared then anything. M said there is no way I would be able to handle it because I was having a breakdown. I could barely look at the pics they brought to us the next day without crying out. There are many what if's that make me wonder too. What if I would have just gotten an exam a few weeks before? They would have seen what was going on. I would have had a cerclage or whatever and she would probably be here now. I used to think she was going to be a November baby...no way was she going to go to December 2nd. I would dream of me going into labor on Thanksgiving (after eating of course) and all would be ok.
At the funeral I was in a daze....I just couldn't believe it. Mary was gone. When we went to dress her, I almost lost it. She was so tiny and I just wanted her to wake up and open her eyes. I begged God for days to wake me up from this bad dream....I would do anything to bring her back. I held her after we dressed her. She was just so cold and all I wanted was for her to be warm again, like when she was after she was born. Just kick me one more time. Did she feel and know how much we loved her? When the funeral workers came to put her in the ground, I closed my eyes. I knew this was it. When I opened them, they had already put her in the ground. I had to hold onto M because I wanted to jump in there with her. What if I could have just hugged her one more time? I told M later that I wanted them to give me the casket so I could do just that. But he said there was no way I would have ever let go.