Well, here we are 6 months later. Is anything really different? Kind of...but there are many days when it feels like it just happened.
Dear my Mary,
I miss you very much but you already know that because I tell you every night. There are too many times where I don't think I can do it anymore, but I will do it for you. I was looking at your pics tonight and you were so pretty. That's the first thing I think about when I see your pictures. Your perfect nose and ears and the peach fuzz on your cheeks. Some days I can still feel you around and it makes me feel better. However, I wish that I had a crib next to our bed instead of an empty space. I wish I was shopping for your little Valentines Day outfit. It still hurts to see baby clothes. Yesterday I saw a 3 month old baby with blonde hair and blue eyes and I thought about you. Would you be stubborn and crabby in the morning like me or mellow and all sunshine in the morning like your dad?
I love and miss you very much. Sweet dreams my love.
xoxo
Momma
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
we need to move
It's find and all here but I am getting irritated with things here...neighbors and stuff. Plus, if we try again and get pregnant we need an extra room. I will not have my kid in the same room with me when they are a toddler. It's all good when they are newborns, but if they are walking I think they need their own bed.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
what to say...what to say...
Do you ever feel like your life is now defined by one event? Having a baby, then losing her/him. That's it. What was I doing before? Is this how everyone will know me now?
No.
There's just not much going on right now. Sure, we are trying but that's not all we do. After we got married, people were asking right away..."when are you going to have kids?" geez people, we just said I DO, give us some time.
Now we get that question again. It will happen so be patient.
We are thinking of taking a Vegas trip but not sure when. I would like to go in February but it's still up in the air. Maybe our luck will change there? ;)
No.
There's just not much going on right now. Sure, we are trying but that's not all we do. After we got married, people were asking right away..."when are you going to have kids?" geez people, we just said I DO, give us some time.
Now we get that question again. It will happen so be patient.
We are thinking of taking a Vegas trip but not sure when. I would like to go in February but it's still up in the air. Maybe our luck will change there? ;)
Friday, January 15, 2010
It's going to be a good day...
I need to keep repeating this when I wake up in the morning. (and read the post below again)
Most days of course suck but we are doing ok.
I caught myself in a work meeting earlier today drifting off. No, not sleeping (although I am very tired). I just started thinking of that horrible, yet beautiful day when Mary was born. Tears started to form, but I held it back. I didn't want my boss to think I was getting all emotional because of the new assignments she was giving us. :)
Driving is probably the worse. Well, driving by myself which is usually to and from work. I have too many thoughts going through my head. But then certain songs will come on and I will feel better.
M and I are trying again. I am charting my ovulation and we will see what happens. Hopefully, (before this year is over) we will have added to our little family.
Most days of course suck but we are doing ok.
I caught myself in a work meeting earlier today drifting off. No, not sleeping (although I am very tired). I just started thinking of that horrible, yet beautiful day when Mary was born. Tears started to form, but I held it back. I didn't want my boss to think I was getting all emotional because of the new assignments she was giving us. :)
Driving is probably the worse. Well, driving by myself which is usually to and from work. I have too many thoughts going through my head. But then certain songs will come on and I will feel better.
M and I are trying again. I am charting my ovulation and we will see what happens. Hopefully, (before this year is over) we will have added to our little family.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Being thankful...
Yeah, this blog needs some positive vibes.
Though we have had some horrible times these past few years, I am VERY thankful for my life. I have such a wonderful, beautiful husband. He's not just handsome....he's beautiful in every way. I am thankful that he came into my life. We have had our ups and downs like any married couple, but we were meant to be.
My family is awesome. I had a great childhood and a very supportive family. They drive me crazy but it's what I love about them.
I have a job. In today's economy that is a blessing. Although, there are many days where I want to walk out. We are not a rich family, but we have what we need. Times are tough, bills pile up, but we manage.
My wonderful friends. One word: understanding. They are great people and I couldn't ask for more.
Mary of course. I am a mom...her mom. She was beautiful and loved from the beginning. I, of course, wish things were different and I was holding her right now but I am thankful for knowing her. She was my girl.
So, there you go. :)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
year in review
I am a little late but it was a hard first few days into the new year.
Let's see if I can even remember: :)
January: after suffering another m/c, we decided to get many, many tests done. What do you know? nothing was wrong with me
February: not much going on here
March: March 26th....took a pregnancy test because I just had a feeling. no line at first. A few minutes later, M asked what happened and to see the test. I told him no line showed up but when I went to show him...there were two line! holy crap! We ran out to Target and got a digital. After I POAS, I wrapped it in tp and gave it to him to look at first. I was so nervous! A HUGE smile spread across his face. We were pregnant!
April: First u/s. We were soooo nervous but everything looked good. Due date was December 2nd.
May: So far so good. We also celebrated out 1 year anniversary!!
June: Not so good, bleeding scare. I went on bed rest for a week and the worse thing was I had to miss my sisters out of state wedding. :(
July: back to work, everything was going great except I got a UTI.
July 20th....admitted to the hospital for pre term labor. I had a really hard time but was getting through it. July 31st little Mary was born and passed away almost an hour later in her daddys arms.
August: too much of a blur. We had her funeral. Another good friend lost her little girl. so heartbraking but I am very lucky to have such a wonderful friend in my life.
September: already back to work and having a really hard time.
October: nothing...Halloween? who gives a crap. I think we got drunk.
November: the first real holiday after Mary died. Hated it all.
December: due date....I had to take that day off of work.doing better but then here comes x-mas. Wanted to just get it over with but sister was here to visit so that made it all better! Also, my little nephew was born on December 14th.
And here were are....2010. Hopefully a better year. We shall see.
Let's see if I can even remember: :)
January: after suffering another m/c, we decided to get many, many tests done. What do you know? nothing was wrong with me
February: not much going on here
March: March 26th....took a pregnancy test because I just had a feeling. no line at first. A few minutes later, M asked what happened and to see the test. I told him no line showed up but when I went to show him...there were two line! holy crap! We ran out to Target and got a digital. After I POAS, I wrapped it in tp and gave it to him to look at first. I was so nervous! A HUGE smile spread across his face. We were pregnant!
April: First u/s. We were soooo nervous but everything looked good. Due date was December 2nd.
May: So far so good. We also celebrated out 1 year anniversary!!
June: Not so good, bleeding scare. I went on bed rest for a week and the worse thing was I had to miss my sisters out of state wedding. :(
July: back to work, everything was going great except I got a UTI.
July 20th....admitted to the hospital for pre term labor. I had a really hard time but was getting through it. July 31st little Mary was born and passed away almost an hour later in her daddys arms.
August: too much of a blur. We had her funeral. Another good friend lost her little girl. so heartbraking but I am very lucky to have such a wonderful friend in my life.
September: already back to work and having a really hard time.
October: nothing...Halloween? who gives a crap. I think we got drunk.
November: the first real holiday after Mary died. Hated it all.
December: due date....I had to take that day off of work.doing better but then here comes x-mas. Wanted to just get it over with but sister was here to visit so that made it all better! Also, my little nephew was born on December 14th.
And here were are....2010. Hopefully a better year. We shall see.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year
People tell me , "new year, fresh start....you can try again!" While that may be true, losing a child just carries over. The pain, confusion, sadness. All of it. Having another baby of course will be a joyous occasion and I can't wait until that day but the grief over losing Mary will stay with me forever. I had a brother who was the first born and died 40 years ago...at birth. My parents first and only boy. The pain and sadness is still there in my parents eyes. And I can't help but think that will be me in 10, 20, 50 years. Of course I will have my other children but there will be one missing.
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