It's been 5 months since our Mary has been gone, but it's like it happened yesterday. I remember it all. I remember her kicking me a few days before she was born. I was finally able to get out of bed for about 5 minutes and when I went to lay back down she gave me one good kick. It was actually the first one instead of just the little flutters. She was such a mover but because of my placenta I didn't feel strong kicks all the time. I remember her being born. The happiest and saddest day of our lives. When she was born I had my eyes closed and when the nurse told me to open them it was like I couldn't. But I did and there she was. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I will never forget that. It breaks my heart when I think of that because I couldn't help her. And then she was gone...my Mary.
2 years ago, on New Years Eve was another horrible day. I woke up, 3 months pregnant and knew something was wrong. Next thing I know I am in the hospital for emergency surgery. My little one was gone. No reason. I remember thinking, shit....on New Years Eve? really? so, 2008 has got to be better....it's got to be our year? Well, here we are going into 2010 and nope, it hasn't been our year. Here's hoping and wishing...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Almost over...
This horrible, horrible year...just a few more days.
Now that I think of it, for the past three years I have been looking forward to New Years Day because that meant the past bad year would be over. In 2007, I had a miscarriage...on freakin NYE. In 2008 we got married which was awesome...got pregnant a few months later but had another miscarriage in December. Then, well....we all know what happened in 2009. Although I am lucky to have had such a beautiful daughter I can't wait for this yeat to be over. She will be with me always but January 1,2010 is a new start.
Now that I think of it, for the past three years I have been looking forward to New Years Day because that meant the past bad year would be over. In 2007, I had a miscarriage...on freakin NYE. In 2008 we got married which was awesome...got pregnant a few months later but had another miscarriage in December. Then, well....we all know what happened in 2009. Although I am lucky to have had such a beautiful daughter I can't wait for this yeat to be over. She will be with me always but January 1,2010 is a new start.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Merry (early) Christmas!
So, I am two days early. I won't be on much this week so I hope everyone has a great holiday.
It's going to be tough, but we will get through it.
It's going to be tough, but we will get through it.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Dear Mary,
Hi baby! We miss you tons and last night I met your new little cousin, Aiden. I think you would be like me with all the boy cousins and be the bossy one. That's ok though...
Daddy and I did ok, but there were some tears of course. I wished you were there and Daddy said that on the way to your uncles house. He said that he wished you were in the backseat, crying or sleeping because it didn't matter. He would have been the one in the back with you, talking and playing with you. That's just how he is. :)
One thing that you should know about your daddy is that he's just amazing. He is this huge guy but is a big teddy bear. You would have him wrapped around your little finger and he would be ok with that. He is a great cook and would probably even be making your baby food eventually with one of his many appliances. Sorry my love...but Mommy can't cook. You want cereal or eggs, then I got you. :)
Your other auntie and uncle (believe me, you have a lot...9 I think) flew in today from Illinois. While we are all so happy they are here, it does make me sad because you were supposed to be here. I was going to show you off like a proud mommy.
But one day...we will be together again.
Daddy and I did ok, but there were some tears of course. I wished you were there and Daddy said that on the way to your uncles house. He said that he wished you were in the backseat, crying or sleeping because it didn't matter. He would have been the one in the back with you, talking and playing with you. That's just how he is. :)
One thing that you should know about your daddy is that he's just amazing. He is this huge guy but is a big teddy bear. You would have him wrapped around your little finger and he would be ok with that. He is a great cook and would probably even be making your baby food eventually with one of his many appliances. Sorry my love...but Mommy can't cook. You want cereal or eggs, then I got you. :)
Your other auntie and uncle (believe me, you have a lot...9 I think) flew in today from Illinois. While we are all so happy they are here, it does make me sad because you were supposed to be here. I was going to show you off like a proud mommy.
But one day...we will be together again.
Monday, December 14, 2009
bittersweet
SIL had her baby today....my new nephew. I am so excited to meet him but yet so sad that he doesn't have his cousin to grow up with. M went to visit them in the hospital today while I am at work. I asked him to wait and go with me, but he wanted to be there for his brother. His brother would do the same. He actually was with me so much while I was in the hospital that the nurses would joke they didn't know which was my baby's daddy. :)
I think I am going to wait to see the baby when SIL gets settled at home. It will be too tough, and she totally understands.
I think I am going to wait to see the baby when SIL gets settled at home. It will be too tough, and she totally understands.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Angels
Another friend just recently lost her baby too....I can't believe it. She was also very early in her pregnancy, about a week ahead of what I was. Her little one was given a chance and was in the NICU for a few days before things went wrong. She and her husband said goodbye last night to their baby.
It's hard to imagine that this can happen again but it does. Little Jillian Hannah is up there now with Mary and all their other friends. I hope Mary isn't too bossy....she gets that from me.
It's hard to imagine that this can happen again but it does. Little Jillian Hannah is up there now with Mary and all their other friends. I hope Mary isn't too bossy....she gets that from me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Katie Jane
My dear friend, Susan, lost her daughter, Katie Jane, about two weeks after my baby passed away....pretty much the same exact way.It breaks my heart that such a wonderful person is going through this too. Miss Katie was sooooo beautiful, just like her mama.
I think God brought Susan into my life for a reason. She is such a strong woman. I will always have M and my family but Susan knows exactly what I am going through. She doesn't judge me or tell me I am crazy because she feels the same things.
Today is Katies due date....another sad reminder. Yet, it's another day that makes us stronger because we got through it.
I think God brought Susan into my life for a reason. She is such a strong woman. I will always have M and my family but Susan knows exactly what I am going through. She doesn't judge me or tell me I am crazy because she feels the same things.
Today is Katies due date....another sad reminder. Yet, it's another day that makes us stronger because we got through it.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Happy thoughts
Shit, my blog is depressing.
We have our really bad days but we also have good days. I have an awesome hubby and family. My job is good...although there are some days where I want to bitch slap my boss. M and I are looking to the future and not just starting a family. We are going to let that happen whether it's now or a year from now. We are also planning on moving pretty soon but still looking at places. The problem with CA is everything is WAY too expensive. Like, I have said before I have some great friends. They are there for me and listen to me whether it's good or bad.
I really can't wait for the new year to be here already. This has been a pretty shitty year. I really thought this was going to be our year...maybe 2010?
We have our really bad days but we also have good days. I have an awesome hubby and family. My job is good...although there are some days where I want to bitch slap my boss. M and I are looking to the future and not just starting a family. We are going to let that happen whether it's now or a year from now. We are also planning on moving pretty soon but still looking at places. The problem with CA is everything is WAY too expensive. Like, I have said before I have some great friends. They are there for me and listen to me whether it's good or bad.
I really can't wait for the new year to be here already. This has been a pretty shitty year. I really thought this was going to be our year...maybe 2010?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Lonestar
Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me
How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
- Norah Jones
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me
How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign
- Norah Jones
Friday, December 4, 2009
December
I have never liked December. It's just not a good month. 10 years ago, on the 29th, my nephew passed away. That was the first time my family and I had ever witnessed such a loss. My sister was almost 6 months pregnant and went into labor.
All my miscarriages were in December. One year ago tomorrow, we found out the babys heart just stopped. It never really developed. Two years ago, ON NEW YEARS FUCKIN EVE, was another miscarriage.. I remember thinking I need to get pregnant in February or sooner so I don't ever have a due date in December.
When I got pregnant with Mary, my first date was 11/27...but then it was changed to December 2nd towards the end. I was thinking, are you freakin kidding me?! Please be born in November...even if it's on the last day of the month. But we didn't get that far....
I have mini panic attacks just thinking about getting pregnant again. I know right now is a little too early and plus I just want to get out of this month already. But then I want to be pregnant by February just to not even have a due date in that month. Yes, we will just let it all happen but these are my fears....and I have a valid reason (actually reasons) to feel this way.
All my miscarriages were in December. One year ago tomorrow, we found out the babys heart just stopped. It never really developed. Two years ago, ON NEW YEARS FUCKIN EVE, was another miscarriage.. I remember thinking I need to get pregnant in February or sooner so I don't ever have a due date in December.
When I got pregnant with Mary, my first date was 11/27...but then it was changed to December 2nd towards the end. I was thinking, are you freakin kidding me?! Please be born in November...even if it's on the last day of the month. But we didn't get that far....
I have mini panic attacks just thinking about getting pregnant again. I know right now is a little too early and plus I just want to get out of this month already. But then I want to be pregnant by February just to not even have a due date in that month. Yes, we will just let it all happen but these are my fears....and I have a valid reason (actually reasons) to feel this way.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
what should have been....
Well, tomorrow is the due date. Actually she had a few different dates. First it was November 27th, then Dec. 2nd and finally November 30th. M and I actually always went with the 2nd.
I am writing today because I don't think I will have it in me to write tomorrow. Too many things are going on right now. SIL is due basically any day now. With my luck, she will go into labor tomorrow. Who knows?
Well...it's been 4 months. Seems like forever ago but then it seems like it happened just yesterday. I still remember everything but then it all seems like a big blur. I miss her very much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what should have been. I don't know why this happened because I don't believe in a higher plan. I don't believe this happened for a reason. What was it for? To give M and I heartache everyday? We are good people who don't deserve this. Nor do any of my friends or family. My family has already been through this two other times. My niece, nephew, and Mary are all buried next to eachother. I just don't see the reason and NOBODY can tell me otherwise. I have no more patience nor tolerance for the insensitive, ignorant comments. People feel like they can tell me what they think....well, get ready to hear an earful from me.
I am just angry and hurt, everday. I have to still get up in the morning and come to a job I dread. I have to do everyday things but that's how I keep sane.
Mary,
We miss you everyday. I wish I was home with you. I wouldn't care if you wanted to keep me up all night...that's what I am here for. You were so pretty and tiny and loved.
Daddy and I will be by this weekend to bring you some flowers. It's very very hard to go there, but it means we are closer to you.
Please come into my dreams....
Love,
Momma and Daddy.
I am writing today because I don't think I will have it in me to write tomorrow. Too many things are going on right now. SIL is due basically any day now. With my luck, she will go into labor tomorrow. Who knows?
Well...it's been 4 months. Seems like forever ago but then it seems like it happened just yesterday. I still remember everything but then it all seems like a big blur. I miss her very much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what should have been. I don't know why this happened because I don't believe in a higher plan. I don't believe this happened for a reason. What was it for? To give M and I heartache everyday? We are good people who don't deserve this. Nor do any of my friends or family. My family has already been through this two other times. My niece, nephew, and Mary are all buried next to eachother. I just don't see the reason and NOBODY can tell me otherwise. I have no more patience nor tolerance for the insensitive, ignorant comments. People feel like they can tell me what they think....well, get ready to hear an earful from me.
I am just angry and hurt, everday. I have to still get up in the morning and come to a job I dread. I have to do everyday things but that's how I keep sane.
Mary,
We miss you everyday. I wish I was home with you. I wouldn't care if you wanted to keep me up all night...that's what I am here for. You were so pretty and tiny and loved.
Daddy and I will be by this weekend to bring you some flowers. It's very very hard to go there, but it means we are closer to you.
Please come into my dreams....
Love,
Momma and Daddy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)