December

I have never liked December. It's just not a good month. 10 years ago, on the 29th, my nephew passed away. That was the first time my family and I had ever witnessed such a loss. My sister was almost 6 months pregnant and went into labor.
All my miscarriages were in December. One year ago tomorrow, we found out the babys heart just stopped. It never really developed. Two years ago, ON NEW YEARS FUCKIN EVE, was another miscarriage.. I remember thinking I need to get pregnant in February or sooner so I don't ever have a due date in December.
When I got pregnant with Mary, my first date was 11/27...but then it was changed to December 2nd towards the end. I was thinking, are you freakin kidding me?! Please be born in November...even if it's on the last day of the month. But we didn't get that far....
I have mini panic attacks just thinking about getting pregnant again. I know right now is a little too early and plus I just want to get out of this month already. But then I want to be pregnant by February just to not even have a due date in that month. Yes, we will just let it all happen but these are my fears....and I have a valid reason (actually reasons) to feel this way.