Wednesday, December 30, 2009

5 months....2 years....

It's been 5 months since our Mary has been gone, but it's like it happened yesterday. I remember it all. I remember her kicking me a few days before she was born. I was finally able to get out of bed for about 5 minutes and when I went to lay back down she gave me one good kick. It was actually the first one instead of just the little flutters. She was such a mover but because of my placenta I didn't feel strong kicks all the time. I remember her being born. The happiest and saddest day of our lives. When she was born I had my eyes closed and when the nurse told me to open them it was like I couldn't. But I did and there she was. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I will never forget that. It breaks my heart when I think of that because I couldn't help her. And then she was gone...my Mary.



2 years ago, on New Years Eve was another horrible day. I woke up, 3 months pregnant and knew something was wrong. Next thing I know I am in the hospital for emergency surgery. My little one was gone. No reason. I remember thinking, shit....on New Years Eve? really? so, 2008 has got to be better....it's got to be our year? Well, here we are going into 2010 and nope, it hasn't been our year. Here's hoping and wishing...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Almost over...

This horrible, horrible year...just a few more days.
Now that I think of it, for the past three years I have been looking forward to New Years Day because that meant the past bad year would be over. In 2007, I had a miscarriage...on freakin NYE. In 2008 we got married which was awesome...got pregnant a few months later but had another miscarriage in December. Then, well....we all know what happened in 2009. Although I am lucky to have had such a beautiful daughter I can't wait for this yeat to be over. She will be with me always but January 1,2010 is a new start.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Merry (early) Christmas!

So, I am two days early. I won't be on much this week so I hope everyone has a great holiday.
It's going to be tough, but we will get through it.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Dear Mary,

Hi baby! We miss you tons and last night I met your new little cousin, Aiden. I think you would be like me with all the boy cousins and be the bossy one. That's ok though...
Daddy and I did ok, but there were some tears of course. I wished you were there and Daddy said that on the way to your uncles house. He said that he wished you were in the backseat, crying or sleeping because it didn't matter. He would have been the one in the back with you, talking and playing with you. That's just how he is. :)
One thing that you should know about your daddy is that he's just amazing. He is this huge guy but is a big teddy bear. You would have him wrapped around your little finger and he would be ok with that. He is a great cook and would probably even be making your baby food eventually with one of his many appliances. Sorry my love...but Mommy can't cook. You want cereal or eggs, then I got you. :)
Your other auntie and uncle (believe me, you have a lot...9 I think) flew in today from Illinois. While we are all so happy they are here, it does make me sad because you were supposed to be here. I was going to show you off like a proud mommy.
But one day...we will be together again.

Monday, December 14, 2009

bittersweet

SIL had her baby today....my new nephew. I am so excited to meet him but yet so sad that he doesn't have his cousin to grow up with. M went to visit them in the hospital today while I am at work. I asked him to wait and go with me, but he wanted to be there for his brother. His brother would do the same. He actually was with me so much while I was in the hospital that the nurses would joke they didn't know which was my baby's daddy. :)
I think I am going to wait to see the baby when SIL gets settled at home. It will be too tough, and she totally understands.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Angels

Another friend just recently lost her baby too....I can't believe it. She was also very early in her pregnancy, about a week ahead of what I was. Her little one was given a chance and was in the NICU for a few days before things went wrong. She and her husband said goodbye last night to their baby.
It's hard to imagine that this can happen again but it does. Little Jillian Hannah is up there now with Mary and all their other friends. I hope Mary isn't too bossy....she gets that from me.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Katie Jane

My dear friend, Susan, lost her daughter, Katie Jane, about two weeks after my baby passed away....pretty much the same exact way.It breaks my heart that such a wonderful person is going through this too. Miss Katie was sooooo beautiful, just like her mama.
I think God brought Susan into my life for a reason. She is such a strong woman. I will always have M and my family but Susan knows exactly what I am going through. She doesn't judge me or tell me I am crazy because she feels the same things.
Today is Katies due date....another sad reminder. Yet, it's another day that makes us stronger because we got through it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Happy thoughts

Shit, my blog is depressing.
We have our really bad days but we also have good days. I have an awesome hubby and family. My job is good...although there are some days where I want to bitch slap my boss. M and I are looking to the future and not just starting a family. We are going to let that happen whether it's now or a year from now. We are also planning on moving pretty soon but still looking at places. The problem with CA is everything is WAY too expensive. Like, I have said before I have some great friends. They are there for me and listen to me whether it's good or bad.
I really can't wait for the new year to be here already. This has been a pretty shitty year. I really thought this was going to be our year...maybe 2010?

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Lonestar

Lonestar where are you out tonight?
This feeling I'm trying to fight
It's dark and I think that I would give anything
For you to shine down on me
How far you are I just don't know
The distance I'm willing to go
I pick up a stone that I cast to the sky
Hoping for some kind of sign

- Norah Jones

Friday, December 4, 2009

December

I have never liked December. It's just not a good month. 10 years ago, on the 29th, my nephew passed away. That was the first time my family and I had ever witnessed such a loss. My sister was almost 6 months pregnant and went into labor.
All my miscarriages were in December. One year ago tomorrow, we found out the babys heart just stopped. It never really developed. Two years ago, ON NEW YEARS FUCKIN EVE, was another miscarriage.. I remember thinking I need to get pregnant in February or sooner so I don't ever have a due date in December.
When I got pregnant with Mary, my first date was 11/27...but then it was changed to December 2nd towards the end. I was thinking, are you freakin kidding me?! Please be born in November...even if it's on the last day of the month. But we didn't get that far....
I have mini panic attacks just thinking about getting pregnant again. I know right now is a little too early and plus I just want to get out of this month already. But then I want to be pregnant by February just to not even have a due date in that month. Yes, we will just let it all happen but these are my fears....and I have a valid reason (actually reasons) to feel this way.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

what should have been....

Well, tomorrow is the due date. Actually she had a few different dates. First it was November 27th, then Dec. 2nd and finally November 30th. M and I actually always went with the 2nd.
I am writing today because I don't think I will have it in me to write tomorrow. Too many things are going on right now. SIL is due basically any day now. With my luck, she will go into labor tomorrow. Who knows?
Well...it's been 4 months. Seems like forever ago but then it seems like it happened just yesterday. I still remember everything but then it all seems like a big blur. I miss her very much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what should have been. I don't know why this happened because I don't believe in a higher plan. I don't believe this happened for a reason. What was it for? To give M and I heartache everyday? We are good people who don't deserve this. Nor do any of my friends or family. My family has already been through this two other times. My niece, nephew, and Mary are all buried next to eachother. I just don't see the reason and NOBODY can tell me otherwise. I have no more patience nor tolerance for the insensitive, ignorant comments. People feel like they can tell me what they think....well, get ready to hear an earful from me.
I am just angry and hurt, everday. I have to still get up in the morning and come to a job I dread. I have to do everyday things but that's how I keep sane.
Mary,
We miss you everyday. I wish I was home with you. I wouldn't care if you wanted to keep me up all night...that's what I am here for. You were so pretty and tiny and loved.
Daddy and I will be by this weekend to bring you some flowers. It's very very hard to go there, but it means we are closer to you.

Please come into my dreams....

Love,
Momma and Daddy.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Christmas trees.

M surprised me and brought one home. It's a small one because the cat will really mess up a bigger one. It's really cute but I was really hoping that this Christmas was going to be different. I thought we would have moved out by now and had a bigger place...with a nursery. Christmas trees are supposed to make everything look brighter. I love our little tree but it is bittersweet.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Regrets?

I have many. I look back now and think that things should have been different. I wasn't with Mary when she passed. I was very sick and they had to rush me off to surgery. I came right back, the nurses wouldn't let the surgeon make me go back to recovery. They wanted me to be with her. But I wasn't really...I was so drugged up. But then I was so out of it period. It was like I was dreaming. I know now that I was in shock. I held her most of the time and then would give her back to M or other family members. She layed on my chest most of the time but it's like I wasn't really there. I can't really explain it. We took some pics and so did our wonderful nurse. But should we have taken more? I didn't get any of her with M because you just aren't thinking straight at that point. There is only one with me. What about that night when they put me in another room? I should have asked to have her with us. But I didn't. I was more scared then anything. M said there is no way I would be able to handle it because I was having a breakdown. I could barely look at the pics they brought to us the next day without crying out. There are many what if's that make me wonder too. What if I would have just gotten an exam a few weeks before? They would have seen what was going on. I would have had a cerclage or whatever and she would probably be here now. I used to think she was going to be a November baby...no way was she going to go to December 2nd. I would dream of me going into labor on Thanksgiving (after eating of course) and all would be ok.
At the funeral I was in a daze....I just couldn't believe it. Mary was gone. When we went to dress her, I almost lost it. She was so tiny and I just wanted her to wake up and open her eyes. I begged God for days to wake me up from this bad dream....I would do anything to bring her back. I held her after we dressed her. She was just so cold and all I wanted was for her to be warm again, like when she was after she was born. Just kick me one more time. Did she feel and know how much we loved her? When the funeral workers came to put her in the ground, I closed my eyes. I knew this was it. When I opened them, they had already put her in the ground. I had to hold onto M because I wanted to jump in there with her. What if I could have just hugged her one more time? I told M later that I wanted them to give me the casket so I could do just that. But he said there was no way I would have ever let go.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Finally...




Her gravestone has finally arrived.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Friends

Of course I have a great, supportive family but I also have some pretty amazing friends.
After mary passed away, I had so much support and love from these people...most of whom I actually have never met. Doesn't sound right, huh?
Well, it's true. From a certain board that I have been on for a few years now, I have "met" some of the greatest people around. M couldn't get over how much they cared and reached out to us after Mary was born. He actually used to make fun of me for it but he totally gets it now.

Funeral homes

When planning Marys funeral and on the day of, they were wonderful. They did a very nice job making sure everything was perfect for her.
But more then three months later, we are yet to see a headstone. I had to approve the writing and design twice already. When I called the lady said it's been only 4 weeks since my last approval and it usually takes 6-8 weeks for it to come in. So....I just might get it on her due date. Awesome. Thanks for that people.
I don't think they realize that I can't go see her until the headstone is there. This alone breaks my heart because I think of her alone out there, in the cold. What am I supposed to do? Go try to figure out the exact spot she is at and cry over some dead grass? I don't remember her exact spot because well, I wasn't really paying attention that day. I was a little distraced with them putting my daughters casket in the ground.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

a non believer...

I don't believe in :

good beta levels....mine were perfect.
passing the 12 week mark....I obviously did that.
morning sickness as a good sign....I had it the WHOLE TIME.
Brown spotting is good.
depriving myslef of certain foods...sushi is one thing, but cold lunch meat is ok.

I did everything I was supposed to...all 4 TIMES and look out the outcome. From 4 weeks until 40 weeks, it's going to be hard. I will have that constant worry and nobody can tell me different.

Monday, November 2, 2009

anything else?

Well, just had my gallbladder removed last week. Nice, I know. I would be a very happy girl if I could finish out the rest of this year without seeing any more doctors or at the hospital. Not to menton the million dollars I owe in hospital bills. Well, it seems like that much. I guess it's a good thing I got it removed so I won't get gallstones again and then have to be in pain. One less thing to worry about...

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy 3 months baby...




well, it's not necessarily "happy" but it was three months ago today that we got to meet for the first and last time. You were a VERY pretty little girl and everyone said that you looked just like me when I was born. I think you would have ended up having red hair like me since you had some blonde to begin with but I have a feeling you would have had blue eyes like your grandpa. If only you could have stayed with me...I know we would have been best friends. Some people say that this was Gods plan but I don't believe that for a minute because you were MY plan. From the very first minute I found out about you...




















































































































Friday, October 30, 2009

HALLOWEEN!!















WE LOVE IT! and for those that might not know what the top pic is...that's M as Eazy-E. ;)























Thursday, October 29, 2009

PSA to hospitals..

LOOK at the charts before you start asking questions. Yes, I had a baby in July but don't congratulate me and joke that the reason I am trying to get discharged so fast is because I want to get home to her. I would love to come home to her and see her nursery all done and just have that new baby smell. I would do a gallbladder removal over and over if that meant she was here when I got home. But she's not..she is alone in a cemetary and that kills me everyday. Also, it's RIGHT THERE on how many pregnancies I have had. Don't ask me...it's just...depressing.
The good thing about this hospital is that is has such an awesome Labor and Delivery, just a not so great outpatient area.
This is the last time I am going to a hospital, getting bloodwork, surgeries, etc. this year. Next year will be different.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It's the little things...


Dreams

I have had a few dreams about Mary. Either I am pregnant with her again or she's a baby, but a few months old. She is always blonde with light eyes. She is always smiling too. After she passed away I was selfish. I asked everyday for her to come back to me...that I would do anything. I asked God to just wake me up and make everything ok again...make this all a bad dream. I feel her around me everyday and talk to her. I tell her that I miss her and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but there are times when I can't help it. Too many what if's...
Whenever I dream about her she is smiling so I kow that's good.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Macias Family


first post

Well, this is my first try at this.
Back story: M and I have been together for 7 years (today actually!) We got married on 5/3/08. Life with him has been wonderful. Of course we got our ups and downs..but we can get through anything. We have. We have been pregnant four times....and have no children at home. That is a hard thing to write. I have had three miscarriages, all in the first trimester.
On 3/26/09, I found out that we were pregnant again! I knew it was a girl right away, but I kept saying it was boy because I am never right about those things. Things were going ok...one minor scare, until 21 weeks. I was admitted to L & D and there for almost two weeks. Basically, I have a weak cervix and got a cerclage since I was dilated. Everything was ok after that and I was getting used to the idea of being on bedrest (hospital and at home) On July 30th, I got realy sick and dr.'s had to make the decision to deliver. It was basically me or her. M never left my side, he even stayed everynight with me. Mary Reyna Macias was born on 7/31/09 at 2:30 p.m. and passed away less then an hour later. She was light skinned like her mama and had little bit of blonde hair. She had M's nose and ears. We miss her everyday.