Big news

Well, some already know this....

But M and I are expecting again. And it's twins. I am nervous just writing this out but we are doing very well. I went for a cervical check yesterday but don't get the results until next week since it was at an outpatient place. I see my OB every two weeks and I believe he's doing the cervix checks at least once a month. I am currently 9 weeks. It seemed I wasn't ovulating on a regular basis so I went on Clomid in May and got pregnant in June. We were both very surprised! My doctor was like, holy crap...so fast!!

When we went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we saw just one baby. But I saw a shadow. The doctor said, no...it's ok and printed out the pictures. But he saw something on that picture, had me lay back down, and then there were TWO.

Today is my Mary's birthday and I know a lot of people will say that this is happening because of her. Personally...I don't like that saying. It's like saying she had to go. I don't know how to explain it really...it just makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I do ask her every night to watch over me and these two little ones.

Happy Birthday baby

I am one day early, but I think it would be a little hard to write all this tomorrow. Plus, M and I won't be home most of the day. I can't believe it's been a year...

Happy Birthday Mary...
I miss you more then words can say. My heart still hurts every day and I miss you so very much. Last year around this time, I thought we were doing good. But then momma got sick and so of course, that was going to affect you. I will never forget the dr. coming in and telling me that they just couldn't hold off any longer and would have to deliver because then I would go too.
You were born at 2:30 p.m. and left me and your daddy almost an hour later. That day is a little fuzzy but I remember when you were born. I saw you in the reflection of the dr,'s mask and you were kicking very hard. They gave you to me and that's all it took...one look and I was in love. You were tiny but were not messing around with those kicks. We couldn't believe how strong you were...but all I wanted to hear was one little cry because I thought that would mean there was maybe a chance.
You are my favorite girl and I wish things would have been different. I wish you were here everyday. Tomorrow, daddy and I plan to go see you and I am getting the prettiest flowers and some cute balloons. I think daddy is making cupcakes too tonight because some of his family might go too.
I miss you so very much and I don't understand why this happened. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be best friends.
I love you very much.

xoxo
Momma

Dreams

wow, they can be pretty vivid. I will wake up from them and think it's still happening and be all confused.
I have dreamnt about Mary before, but the last few weeks I have had some bad dreams. But then again, they are good because she is there. I had a dream last night where she was lying on the bed and talked to me! She looked a little bigger but it was her. She asked for a bottle and when I went to get it she said that she wanted to go to sleep. I leave the room and come back, but she is gone. And I am pregnant again. But it was like I was going to go through it all over again. I woke up very upset because it was just a dream and I couldn't see her anymore. I also was upset because I think what if it happens again? When will everything finally be ok?
I think I am dreaming more about her because her birthday is next week. From July 20th on, it's going to be hard. There were so many things going on last year at that time that I don't know how to deal with it all.
Sometimes I don't understand why this all happened. What did I do? I am a good person darn it. M is a wonderful man. How can we be so young and have gone through all of this? I feel like it really aged us.
I hope next week isn't too hard on us.