belly/baby pics

This is Baby A. Right when we were about to get a good pic, he/she decided to turn around and stretch out. This is the most active baby.



This is Baby B. He/she turned around and we got a great shot!

This is my lying down. Believe me, it looks much bigger standing up. :)

I had my cerclage this past Wednesday and everything went well. The dr. said my cervix even looked much better, so that's great news. I still have morning sickness but it's easier to deal with.

Being on bedrest is going to be long and hard, but it will all be worth it.

Bittersweet Dreams

I always ask Mary to come into my dreams and I am so happy when she does. I have dreamnt that I was pregnant again with her and that she was a baby...but walking! My girl was going to be a genius! ;)
But at the same time I have these dreams, it's hard because I have to wake up and remember she's gone.
I had a bad dream last night. Before I fell asleep, I was thinking of her and talking to her. I had a dream where we were at her funeral again but she was alive. My god...that breaks my heart to even say that. I was holdng her and she opened her eyes and was looking at me. I kept trying to tell everyone that she was ok but nobody would listen. I just held her and smelled her skin and hair. I didn't want to let her go. That happened right before her actual funeral. M and I dressed her and put her in her casket. We were alone in a room and I picked her up and just held her. M was worried because I wouldn't let her go. It might sound morbid to some but she is my daughter and this was the last time I would be able to do this. I just hugged her and told her I was sorry. I just wanted to stay in that room forever. Just the three of us...

12 weeks

Isn't this morning sickness supposed to be over with? It's been like this for about 6 weeks and I do have meds for it. The problem is I get pretty sick in the morning and I try to take the pill before I even get out of bed, but I throw up anyway. I try not to but it's hard. But if this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I will take it.
I went to my NT scan yesterday and got some bloodwork done. The NT showed that the back of both babies necks were measuring small, which is good. Baby A is the most active one and Baby B is usually asleep or just relaxing. I can't wait to find out what they are so I can actually give them names. :) I love seeing how big they have gotten in the last few weeks...they look like actual babies now! I always get really nervous right before any dr.'s appointment, but I can't help it.
I am going to upload some pics of the babies and this belly, which is already huge. I know there are two in there, but dang. lol But I told M it's all good and I am just going to let it hang out there.
We are pretty busy right now because we are moving. The dr. is doing a cerclage next week and is then taking me completely out of work. I was bummed at first but if I have to hang upside down, then that's what I will do. The problem with taking me out of work is having to go on CA disability, which as most people know is basically half of the your monthly income. M and I just can't afford that...shoot, that's basically my rent alone! So....we are moving into my parents house. Believe me, it's not something I want to do but we have to. Thank goodness they have a huge house and we are WAY on the other side of the house and they are upstairs. haha! It's only temporary thank goodness.

Big news

Well, some already know this....

But M and I are expecting again. And it's twins. I am nervous just writing this out but we are doing very well. I went for a cervical check yesterday but don't get the results until next week since it was at an outpatient place. I see my OB every two weeks and I believe he's doing the cervix checks at least once a month. I am currently 9 weeks. It seemed I wasn't ovulating on a regular basis so I went on Clomid in May and got pregnant in June. We were both very surprised! My doctor was like, holy crap...so fast!!

When we went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we saw just one baby. But I saw a shadow. The doctor said, no...it's ok and printed out the pictures. But he saw something on that picture, had me lay back down, and then there were TWO.

Today is my Mary's birthday and I know a lot of people will say that this is happening because of her. Personally...I don't like that saying. It's like saying she had to go. I don't know how to explain it really...it just makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I do ask her every night to watch over me and these two little ones.

Happy Birthday baby

I am one day early, but I think it would be a little hard to write all this tomorrow. Plus, M and I won't be home most of the day. I can't believe it's been a year...

Happy Birthday Mary...
I miss you more then words can say. My heart still hurts every day and I miss you so very much. Last year around this time, I thought we were doing good. But then momma got sick and so of course, that was going to affect you. I will never forget the dr. coming in and telling me that they just couldn't hold off any longer and would have to deliver because then I would go too.
You were born at 2:30 p.m. and left me and your daddy almost an hour later. That day is a little fuzzy but I remember when you were born. I saw you in the reflection of the dr,'s mask and you were kicking very hard. They gave you to me and that's all it took...one look and I was in love. You were tiny but were not messing around with those kicks. We couldn't believe how strong you were...but all I wanted to hear was one little cry because I thought that would mean there was maybe a chance.
You are my favorite girl and I wish things would have been different. I wish you were here everyday. Tomorrow, daddy and I plan to go see you and I am getting the prettiest flowers and some cute balloons. I think daddy is making cupcakes too tonight because some of his family might go too.
I miss you so very much and I don't understand why this happened. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be best friends.
I love you very much.

xoxo
Momma

Dreams

wow, they can be pretty vivid. I will wake up from them and think it's still happening and be all confused.
I have dreamnt about Mary before, but the last few weeks I have had some bad dreams. But then again, they are good because she is there. I had a dream last night where she was lying on the bed and talked to me! She looked a little bigger but it was her. She asked for a bottle and when I went to get it she said that she wanted to go to sleep. I leave the room and come back, but she is gone. And I am pregnant again. But it was like I was going to go through it all over again. I woke up very upset because it was just a dream and I couldn't see her anymore. I also was upset because I think what if it happens again? When will everything finally be ok?
I think I am dreaming more about her because her birthday is next week. From July 20th on, it's going to be hard. There were so many things going on last year at that time that I don't know how to deal with it all.
Sometimes I don't understand why this all happened. What did I do? I am a good person darn it. M is a wonderful man. How can we be so young and have gone through all of this? I feel like it really aged us.
I hope next week isn't too hard on us.

Fathers Day

Well, it's almost here. I won't be home much this weekend so I thought I should post something now.
M is doing pretty well but it will be hard on Sunday. I am taking him to brunch and a movie. We are probably going to go visit my dad but then just spend the rest of the day together. I also want to take Mary some flowers but I don't know how M will feel about that. I mean, of course he wants to go see her but on this particular day? It's going to be just so sad. I couldn't even go on Mothers Day. M's dad lives kind of far so I don't think we will go over there. Plus, his Stepmom and her mother always make the dumbest comments. M and I can only handle so much. But I still hope Sunday is going to be a good day for him. It just breaks my heart that this isn't a better year for him. I am hoping I have some great news coming up in the next couple weeks. ;)
On a happier note, I am taking my 7 year old niece to see Toy Story 3 tomorrow. omg...I love those movies and I can't wait. We have an awesome time together but I do wish I could spend more time with her. She is a really smart kid and cracks me up all the time. I have loved her from the moment I heard her first cry when she was born. Oh, I would take my nephew too but he is crazy! Plus, I can only handle one at a time. lol! He gets a date with me next weekend.

Anyway....Happy Fathers Day my love. You are an awesome Daddy and I knew you were going to be from the moment you saw that positive test. When you held our girl for the first time, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. You loved our girl from the first time you laid eyes on her and she loved you.
Things will get better honey...I promise.