What a difference in how my day is then when I actually get home. I work all day and have plenty of stuff to occupy my time. Then I get home and am just so...tired. M is wonderful and always trying to cheer me up. ( unless he's playing COD...then it's a no talk zone) But then I just sit there and think and drive myself a little crazy. I have insomnia on some nights and I will be up so late. I have no energy to get up the next morning. I was laying in bed last night (wide awake) and just thinking of how I dont' feel like myself anymore. I don't feel energetic or pretty or happy. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day. I look back at pics from just a year ago and I look different. So happy and youthful looking.
I need to get myself out of this funk. I know what the cause of it is....but how much longer can I go on like this? It's affecting my relationship with M. He can't stand to see me unhappy and I am the type of person who holds things in and can't talk about it sometimes. Yes, I know that's bad. I need to change things around me. I need to be smarter about things. And because I have slight OCD, you know I made a list.
1. get healthier. Eat better and work out 4-5 times a week. There is no reason why I can't do this. I need to stop being lazy.
2. start with little things like actually doing my hair in the morning. I feel so horrible sometimes that all I do is a ponytail...sans makeup. Not pretty.
3. Take walks. This is right up there with getting healthier. I like walking because it helps clear my mind.
4. Stop obsessing about shit I can't control. I see a new dr. next week because now that we are TTC, we might need a little help in some areas. It will happen damn it.
5. Internet/TV/phone: only a couple days a week. This goes for DH too. He doesn't need to be playing fuckin video games every night.
6. Work on projects to occupy my time and finish crap I started. Let's face it, it makes you feel better when you do this.
That's it for now but it's a lot. I need to just keep reminding myself it's all for the better.
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