what should have been....

Well, tomorrow is the due date. Actually she had a few different dates. First it was November 27th, then Dec. 2nd and finally November 30th. M and I actually always went with the 2nd.
I am writing today because I don't think I will have it in me to write tomorrow. Too many things are going on right now. SIL is due basically any day now. With my luck, she will go into labor tomorrow. Who knows?
Well...it's been 4 months. Seems like forever ago but then it seems like it happened just yesterday. I still remember everything but then it all seems like a big blur. I miss her very much. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of what should have been. I don't know why this happened because I don't believe in a higher plan. I don't believe this happened for a reason. What was it for? To give M and I heartache everyday? We are good people who don't deserve this. Nor do any of my friends or family. My family has already been through this two other times. My niece, nephew, and Mary are all buried next to eachother. I just don't see the reason and NOBODY can tell me otherwise. I have no more patience nor tolerance for the insensitive, ignorant comments. People feel like they can tell me what they think....well, get ready to hear an earful from me.
I am just angry and hurt, everday. I have to still get up in the morning and come to a job I dread. I have to do everyday things but that's how I keep sane.
Mary,
We miss you everyday. I wish I was home with you. I wouldn't care if you wanted to keep me up all night...that's what I am here for. You were so pretty and tiny and loved.
Daddy and I will be by this weekend to bring you some flowers. It's very very hard to go there, but it means we are closer to you.

Please come into my dreams....

Love,
Momma and Daddy.

Happy 3 months baby...

well, it's not necessarily "happy" but it was three months ago today that we got to meet for the first and last time. You were a VERY pretty little girl and everyone said that you looked just like me when I was born. I think you would have ended up having red hair like me since you had some blonde to begin with but I have a feeling you would have had blue eyes like your grandpa. If only you could have stayed with me...I know we would have been best friends. Some people say that this was Gods plan but I don't believe that for a minute because you were MY plan. From the very first minute I found out about you...

Dreams

I have had a few dreams about Mary. Either I am pregnant with her again or she's a baby, but a few months old. She is always blonde with light eyes. She is always smiling too. After she passed away I was selfish. I asked everyday for her to come back to me...that I would do anything. I asked God to just wake me up and make everything ok again...make this all a bad dream. I feel her around me everyday and talk to her. I tell her that I miss her and I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but there are times when I can't help it. Too many what if's...
Whenever I dream about her she is smiling so I kow that's good.

first post

Well, this is my first try at this.
Back story: M and I have been together for 7 years (today actually!) We got married on 5/3/08. Life with him has been wonderful. Of course we got our ups and downs..but we can get through anything. We have. We have been pregnant four times....and have no children at home. That is a hard thing to write. I have had three miscarriages, all in the first trimester.
On 3/26/09, I found out that we were pregnant again! I knew it was a girl right away, but I kept saying it was boy because I am never right about those things. Things were going ok...one minor scare, until 21 weeks. I was admitted to L & D and there for almost two weeks. Basically, I have a weak cervix and got a cerclage since I was dilated. Everything was ok after that and I was getting used to the idea of being on bedrest (hospital and at home) On July 30th, I got realy sick and dr.'s had to make the decision to deliver. It was basically me or her. M never left my side, he even stayed everynight with me. Mary Reyna Macias was born on 7/31/09 at 2:30 p.m. and passed away less then an hour later. She was light skinned like her mama and had little bit of blonde hair. She had M's nose and ears. We miss her everyday.