a very good Christmas

So, M and I got a great surprise on Christmas day. For a few days before that, I had been having back labor. wow....that is the worse pain EVER! I tried taking pain meds but ended up throwing most of it up. Most of Christmas day, I was ok. Some family came and I got a sweet Flip Cam from M. (just in time) But then that evening, the pain started again. A dr. came in and checked me one more time and I was dilating. Not a good thing with a cerclage. So, we made the decision to have the C section. It all happened so fast. I have heard horror stories about this surgery and was sooo nervous! The spinal didn't bother me. It was the waiting part. I felt like M was never going to come. He had to wait outside and he even said it felt like forever. But then...we heard the first cry. Man, these boys can scream. There were so many people in that room and I expected them to be rushed to the NICU. But, they were brought over to us and it was amazing.

Kimo Martin born at 10:17 p.m. 3 lbs 12 oz, 17 inches.

Nicholas Rey born at 10:19 p.m. 3 lbs 14 oz, 17 inches

I was 31 weeks when I gave birth so although I was still very early, they are doing very well. They both need help with the breathing once in awhile but are taking their feeds in like champs. All those wires and tubes are very intimidating. The first time I held Kimo, i was so nervous!! Then when I held Nicholas he has a CPAP machine, and I didn't think I could handle it. But we did ok. M held Kimo last night and he cried a bit. It made me so happy to see them together!

first two pics are Kimo and then it's Nicholas. ( I don't know why they are out of order)

Thankful

I love this picture. M looks so happy and I love his laugh. Plus, isn't he so handsome? This pic was taken about a month before Mary was born. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I look at old pics before we lost her and we look like different people. But he's still such a happy guy. He looks at all the postive things in life when I am feeling down. He always makes me feel better. M is a wonderful person and I couldn't be happier he is in my life. These past few months have been pretty hard but he has been so strong and supportive.

I am thankful for him. Being away from him every night is so hard. All I want is to sleep next to him again. I know this is only temporary but it's so hard. I love him so much and this Thanksgiving I am thankful that a person like him loves me back.

bedrest

it's freakin hard. Well, I of course have been on bedrest since August. (literally the day of my cerclage)

My cervix just....sucks. Even with bedrest, it got shorter. On October 29th, the dr. called me at home and said he's admitting me to the hospital because he would just feel better and it's a precaution. So, as of today, I have been here for one whole, long month. As of two weeks ago, I no longer have a measurable cervix. The cerclage is the only thing holding it all together. M and I were already ready for it all be over at 23 weeks. But here I am....a month later and going into my 27th week. I am on meds to stop any contractions and am on COMPLETE bedrest. I haven't felt the floor in a month. :( I have my days where I just want to scream because I don't think I can take another day. But I will continue to do this for our boys. M has been amazing and comes every day and also spends the night on the weekends. So, that's where we are at and are praying for at least one more month.

Oh, and the pics above? I have to show them off because they are already so cute.

Belly pics

Huge, I know. And it feels even bigger. I haven't gained much weight...maybe 2 lbs. The weight of these boys is very uncomfortable but I love when they kick. My sister got me this pregnancy belt thingy so hopefully that relieves some pressure.

20 weeks

according to the babies size...we are at 20 weeks today. Halfway there. :)
Oh, and we had an ultrasound last week and we are having TWO BOYS. omg. That is crazy! M and I were in shock at first because I really thought it was one of each and he thought two girls! So, when the tech showed us, you can totally see that they are boys. Amazing. We both are very happy. I think deep down I also wanted a girl because with Mary, I loved the idea of having my girl. But I am just so happy that they are boys and healthy.
I will get more pics of my belly and the boys up soon. Still on bedrest and my cervix has gotten shorter, so the bedrest is even stricter. The pressure of two babies is sometimes unbearable. One of the boys is also kicking so low that it hurts. I am trying to get him to move back up but so far, he is staying in that position. Oh well.
We have been talking about names but have only settled on one because it's a family name. It's a surprise though until we decide on the second name.

Grief

Last year, about two weeks after Mary died, a wonderful person also went through the same thing. I have written about her before. Susan. I can't say enough good things about her. We have met up a few times but I wish we lived closer. We actually used to but didn't get a chance to meet up before she moved. I hate that we have to have this kind of grief in common.
Susan became pregnant again this year and was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me. I was SO looking forward to sharing this together. She was doing so well until almost 23 weeks. Then things just took a turn for a worse. Her little boy was born on September 26th and tried to fight, but didn't make it. When I got that text, M actually saw it first. I was in the other room and came in to ask him something. He was looking at my phone and when he looked up at me, I just knew. I had been waiting for an update and it had been a few hours already. I was hoping no news meant good news.
It's been a few days now and I just couldn't write anything yet. I didn't know what to say. I feel like it's last year all over again. My heart hurts for her and her family.
Susan,
I love you. I am here for you anytime you need me. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why bad things happen to such wonderful people. I have said this a hundred times, but if I weren't on bedrest, I would be there with you.
Rest in Peace Matthew Finley....sweet angel.

belly/baby pics

This is Baby A. Right when we were about to get a good pic, he/she decided to turn around and stretch out. This is the most active baby.



This is Baby B. He/she turned around and we got a great shot!

This is my lying down. Believe me, it looks much bigger standing up. :)

I had my cerclage this past Wednesday and everything went well. The dr. said my cervix even looked much better, so that's great news. I still have morning sickness but it's easier to deal with.

Being on bedrest is going to be long and hard, but it will all be worth it.

Bittersweet Dreams

I always ask Mary to come into my dreams and I am so happy when she does. I have dreamnt that I was pregnant again with her and that she was a baby...but walking! My girl was going to be a genius! ;)
But at the same time I have these dreams, it's hard because I have to wake up and remember she's gone.
I had a bad dream last night. Before I fell asleep, I was thinking of her and talking to her. I had a dream where we were at her funeral again but she was alive. My god...that breaks my heart to even say that. I was holdng her and she opened her eyes and was looking at me. I kept trying to tell everyone that she was ok but nobody would listen. I just held her and smelled her skin and hair. I didn't want to let her go. That happened right before her actual funeral. M and I dressed her and put her in her casket. We were alone in a room and I picked her up and just held her. M was worried because I wouldn't let her go. It might sound morbid to some but she is my daughter and this was the last time I would be able to do this. I just hugged her and told her I was sorry. I just wanted to stay in that room forever. Just the three of us...

12 weeks

Isn't this morning sickness supposed to be over with? It's been like this for about 6 weeks and I do have meds for it. The problem is I get pretty sick in the morning and I try to take the pill before I even get out of bed, but I throw up anyway. I try not to but it's hard. But if this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I will take it.
I went to my NT scan yesterday and got some bloodwork done. The NT showed that the back of both babies necks were measuring small, which is good. Baby A is the most active one and Baby B is usually asleep or just relaxing. I can't wait to find out what they are so I can actually give them names. :) I love seeing how big they have gotten in the last few weeks...they look like actual babies now! I always get really nervous right before any dr.'s appointment, but I can't help it.
I am going to upload some pics of the babies and this belly, which is already huge. I know there are two in there, but dang. lol But I told M it's all good and I am just going to let it hang out there.
We are pretty busy right now because we are moving. The dr. is doing a cerclage next week and is then taking me completely out of work. I was bummed at first but if I have to hang upside down, then that's what I will do. The problem with taking me out of work is having to go on CA disability, which as most people know is basically half of the your monthly income. M and I just can't afford that...shoot, that's basically my rent alone! So....we are moving into my parents house. Believe me, it's not something I want to do but we have to. Thank goodness they have a huge house and we are WAY on the other side of the house and they are upstairs. haha! It's only temporary thank goodness.

Big news

Well, some already know this....

But M and I are expecting again. And it's twins. I am nervous just writing this out but we are doing very well. I went for a cervical check yesterday but don't get the results until next week since it was at an outpatient place. I see my OB every two weeks and I believe he's doing the cervix checks at least once a month. I am currently 9 weeks. It seemed I wasn't ovulating on a regular basis so I went on Clomid in May and got pregnant in June. We were both very surprised! My doctor was like, holy crap...so fast!!

When we went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we saw just one baby. But I saw a shadow. The doctor said, no...it's ok and printed out the pictures. But he saw something on that picture, had me lay back down, and then there were TWO.

Today is my Mary's birthday and I know a lot of people will say that this is happening because of her. Personally...I don't like that saying. It's like saying she had to go. I don't know how to explain it really...it just makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I do ask her every night to watch over me and these two little ones.

Happy Birthday baby

I am one day early, but I think it would be a little hard to write all this tomorrow. Plus, M and I won't be home most of the day. I can't believe it's been a year...

Happy Birthday Mary...
I miss you more then words can say. My heart still hurts every day and I miss you so very much. Last year around this time, I thought we were doing good. But then momma got sick and so of course, that was going to affect you. I will never forget the dr. coming in and telling me that they just couldn't hold off any longer and would have to deliver because then I would go too.
You were born at 2:30 p.m. and left me and your daddy almost an hour later. That day is a little fuzzy but I remember when you were born. I saw you in the reflection of the dr,'s mask and you were kicking very hard. They gave you to me and that's all it took...one look and I was in love. You were tiny but were not messing around with those kicks. We couldn't believe how strong you were...but all I wanted to hear was one little cry because I thought that would mean there was maybe a chance.
You are my favorite girl and I wish things would have been different. I wish you were here everyday. Tomorrow, daddy and I plan to go see you and I am getting the prettiest flowers and some cute balloons. I think daddy is making cupcakes too tonight because some of his family might go too.
I miss you so very much and I don't understand why this happened. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be best friends.
I love you very much.

xoxo
Momma

Dreams

wow, they can be pretty vivid. I will wake up from them and think it's still happening and be all confused.
I have dreamnt about Mary before, but the last few weeks I have had some bad dreams. But then again, they are good because she is there. I had a dream last night where she was lying on the bed and talked to me! She looked a little bigger but it was her. She asked for a bottle and when I went to get it she said that she wanted to go to sleep. I leave the room and come back, but she is gone. And I am pregnant again. But it was like I was going to go through it all over again. I woke up very upset because it was just a dream and I couldn't see her anymore. I also was upset because I think what if it happens again? When will everything finally be ok?
I think I am dreaming more about her because her birthday is next week. From July 20th on, it's going to be hard. There were so many things going on last year at that time that I don't know how to deal with it all.
Sometimes I don't understand why this all happened. What did I do? I am a good person darn it. M is a wonderful man. How can we be so young and have gone through all of this? I feel like it really aged us.
I hope next week isn't too hard on us.

Fathers Day

Well, it's almost here. I won't be home much this weekend so I thought I should post something now.
M is doing pretty well but it will be hard on Sunday. I am taking him to brunch and a movie. We are probably going to go visit my dad but then just spend the rest of the day together. I also want to take Mary some flowers but I don't know how M will feel about that. I mean, of course he wants to go see her but on this particular day? It's going to be just so sad. I couldn't even go on Mothers Day. M's dad lives kind of far so I don't think we will go over there. Plus, his Stepmom and her mother always make the dumbest comments. M and I can only handle so much. But I still hope Sunday is going to be a good day for him. It just breaks my heart that this isn't a better year for him. I am hoping I have some great news coming up in the next couple weeks. ;)
On a happier note, I am taking my 7 year old niece to see Toy Story 3 tomorrow. omg...I love those movies and I can't wait. We have an awesome time together but I do wish I could spend more time with her. She is a really smart kid and cracks me up all the time. I have loved her from the moment I heard her first cry when she was born. Oh, I would take my nephew too but he is crazy! Plus, I can only handle one at a time. lol! He gets a date with me next weekend.

Anyway....Happy Fathers Day my love. You are an awesome Daddy and I knew you were going to be from the moment you saw that positive test. When you held our girl for the first time, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. You loved our girl from the first time you laid eyes on her and she loved you.
Things will get better honey...I promise.

working out

M and I went to the gym again for the first time in forever. I actually like going, once we get there. It's the GETTING there part. Ugh. I am freakin tired when I get home dang it. But the hour or so that I waste lying down or on the computer, watching TV, I could be working out. I am getting my ass back in shape. I also start my yoga class on Wednesday. I am excited and nervous about that one. I used to do yoga all the time when I danced, but that was like 10 years ago! I am going to look like a fool but that's ok because I am sure those other girls all started out that way.
I also found out today my thyroid is out of whack. I need to see my primary care dr. soon. I am going to first try to regulate it with losing some weight and eating A LOT better. It's just a big bummer because this one thing could be causing so many of my current issues. But I plan on changing that too. :)

It's June?!

wth?! Time just passes by. How is next month going to be one year? My girl would be one year old. Now I am not going to get into the whole adjusted age thing...that's too much to think about and frankly bums me out even more. Her birthday is July 31st and she was born at 2:30 p.m. Thank God her birthday is on a Saturday...I wouldn't be able to deal at work and can't really take time off right now.

I am going to get her the prettiest balloons and flowers and take some cupcakes. Although I don't leave them there...I don't want ants! I love her stone so much. A lot of people ask what the word on it means. It's Hawaiian and the meaning is "beloved child who is looked upon with pride and love."

10 months

Although I am a day late. I really didn't even go on the internet at all this weekend.
We had a nice relaxing holiday weekend. Saturday was a birthday party and Sunday we bbq'ed at my dads. Then we went to my cousins house and drank a little TOO much, playing quarters and high card/low card. haha!
But yesterday was the 31st. I actually didn't even realize it until later in the day. I was dusting in the living room and got up to get something...then it hit me. I didn't say anything to M because I am sure he realizes it too. I just kept cleaning and going about my day. When I walked into our closet to put some stuff away, I looked up at her book but I didn't bring it down. I just thought to myself, "hello baby...I miss you." I still think about her EVERYDAY. Not one day goes by that I don't and of course, the pain and grief is still there. It's just not as bad as it was last year, when I couldn't even stand up. When all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry and hold her bear.
But I am doing better and that's all I need to be right now.

Hope

I follow a lot of other blogs, especially those that have had losses. Actually before I was even pregnant with Mary, I followed them. M never understood why but it was almost like I had to see their happy ending. After I had Mary, I had to know if there would be that glimmer of hope for me too.
There is one blog in particular that I have followed for quite awhile now...a couple of years. After I had my second miscarriage at 12 weeks, a friend told me about thebump.com. I am still there. :) Those girls have been there for me on my darkest days and I have actually met a few already in person, who have become great friends and talk to almost daily. I am even meeting the one who pointed me in the direction of the bump this week! (Staycee! can't wait! We planned our weddings together!) Well, after reading some of their blogs back in the day I came across one that just broke my heart. But this woman was so strong I used to wonder how does she do it? She writes with such honesty and it's like she is saying what I am thinking when it came to our losses. Her sweet boy passed away when she was 36 weeks and she has struggled for quite some time with infertility.
When she became pregnant this last time, I just thought...please let her have her happy ending.
Well...she did. This past weekend she had a beautiful little girl. I was at Stateline (trying to win my money back! ha!) on Saturday and she went into labor and had the baby. Sunday morning I was online and thought I would check the blog and my heart just about jumped out of my chest when I saw the news!
This person in particular just gives me hope....and I have never even met her. How do we come out of the depths of darkness and see the light? How do we keep on going? We just do. We have to be strong. And just look at the rewards that come into our life. :)

Oh, and her blog is http://lunardreams.net/baby/

That is one beautiful family. Congrats Natalie and family!

Back to the gym

ugh. ::sighs and stomps foot:: Let's just get all that out now, k?

Ok...so I feel huge. I have no energy and really don't want to go. But honestly...after I work out I feel a ton better. M is great to work out with, he really motivates me and keeps me going. Before we got married, my dress was feeling a little tight. So, we used to go to the gym, but also go to the park and work out. Not just a run around the track...oh no. This guy used to set up orange traffic cones and make me run around them and do obstacle courses! Holy shit, he kicked my butt! I lost almost 15 lbs though! I also had to give up alcohol and was on a stricter diet. This is basically what we are doing now, except for the alcohol. Sorry, but once in awhile (mostly on the weekends) I need a beer or two.

New doctor...new plan.

I met with a new ob/gyn last night. ( Dr. F) I love the current one I have and this visit was basically to get a referral to see a specialist. We know I am not ovulating. I think this has always been one of the problems, but it doesn't seem to be happening every month. Otherwise, how did I get pregnant all those other times?
So, Dr. F was really nice and answered all my questions. Is it just me or is it standard to wait over an hour at a doctors office? Sheesh. Half of the girls in the office had a book, I Pod, or were playing with their phones. I had my I Pod but need to remember to bring a book....and a snack! Good grief, I was starving!
Anyway, my regular ob sent Dr. F all my medical records and let me tell you, it was a HUGE file. Dr. F was like, damn...that's a lot and I haven't even finished going through it all. So, we went over some medical history and basically he said that I need to get on Clomid once I start AF. (if that ever comes) My cycles are really irregular now. But I am going to start those meds and then get some more bloodwork done. He said he wants to do everything different and I am going to be so closely monitored that I am going to get sick of him. I haven't decided yet if I am going to stay with him or my other OB, because they do basically have the same plan. M is ok with whatever I want. He thinks I need a fresh start though so I might just stay with Dr. F.
The one thing Dr. F did ask is if I have gained any weight since last year and giving birth. Well, yeah...I have. :( He said that COULD also be preventing things so just to keep that in mind. I am and that's why we are at the gym now and eating better. Well, except for last night. We had chinese food. What? Although seeing the dr. and getting a new plan might seem great, it still sucks. I am starting all over with problems to begin with and going to a new dr. that is right next door to the other one brings back to many memories. I needed some comfort food.

Changes

What a difference in how my day is then when I actually get home. I work all day and have plenty of stuff to occupy my time. Then I get home and am just so...tired. M is wonderful and always trying to cheer me up. ( unless he's playing COD...then it's a no talk zone) But then I just sit there and think and drive myself a little crazy. I have insomnia on some nights and I will be up so late. I have no energy to get up the next morning. I was laying in bed last night (wide awake) and just thinking of how I dont' feel like myself anymore. I don't feel energetic or pretty or happy. I feel like I am just going through the motions of the day. I look back at pics from just a year ago and I look different. So happy and youthful looking.
I need to get myself out of this funk. I know what the cause of it is....but how much longer can I go on like this? It's affecting my relationship with M. He can't stand to see me unhappy and I am the type of person who holds things in and can't talk about it sometimes. Yes, I know that's bad. I need to change things around me. I need to be smarter about things. And because I have slight OCD, you know I made a list.

1. get healthier. Eat better and work out 4-5 times a week. There is no reason why I can't do this. I need to stop being lazy.

2. start with little things like actually doing my hair in the morning. I feel so horrible sometimes that all I do is a ponytail...sans makeup. Not pretty.

3. Take walks. This is right up there with getting healthier. I like walking because it helps clear my mind.

4. Stop obsessing about shit I can't control. I see a new dr. next week because now that we are TTC, we might need a little help in some areas. It will happen damn it.

5. Internet/TV/phone: only a couple days a week. This goes for DH too. He doesn't need to be playing fuckin video games every night.

6. Work on projects to occupy my time and finish crap I started. Let's face it, it makes you feel better when you do this.

That's it for now but it's a lot. I need to just keep reminding myself it's all for the better.