been here before...

Yesterday I was driving to the mall after work....and of course, the hospital is across the street.
It's weird how it all hits you and the way it does. I could see the building and I thought of when I was there on bedrest. I remember my private room had two windows but my bed was far from it so really I had no view. Even the Carls Jr. across the street makes me start to think about it all. M would be there with me every night but hated the hospital food. Who wouldn't? So, he walked across the street a few times and brought us dinner. Then there's the ultrasound place next door. I had my genetic screening there and all was good at that time.
I was watching TV the other night and there was a new momma who had to leave her little ones in the NICU for a few more days because they were born a little early. She had a hard time doing that and broke down crying. When I had to pass the hospital again after leaving the mall, I saw the entrance. It made me think about when M and I had to leave Mary. I was taken outside in a wheelchair and he went to get his truck. Leaving her there was the hardest thing we ever had to do. I think I was still in shock. How could they expect me to just leave her? She needed me and I needed her. Although, she was gone I still wanted her to know I was there.
The other day I had a heating pad on but I moved it towards my arm because it was sore. I then had a flashback to her again. When she was born and the dr. put her on my chest, she was so warm. She was kicking and opening her mouth. I wanted so badly to hear just a little cry but she didn't. I will never forget that warmth of her body. Or her heartbeart. We were skin to skin and I could feel her heartbeating against mine. And then she was gone...
It's been almost 9 months now. 9 months. She has been gone longer then she was with me. Somedays I just can't wrap my mind around this. How can the sun keep rising? How can I keep getting up in the morning? But I have to do it. I do it for her.