Big news

Well, some already know this....

But M and I are expecting again. And it's twins. I am nervous just writing this out but we are doing very well. I went for a cervical check yesterday but don't get the results until next week since it was at an outpatient place. I see my OB every two weeks and I believe he's doing the cervix checks at least once a month. I am currently 9 weeks. It seemed I wasn't ovulating on a regular basis so I went on Clomid in May and got pregnant in June. We were both very surprised! My doctor was like, holy crap...so fast!!

When we went for my first ultrasound at 7 weeks, we saw just one baby. But I saw a shadow. The doctor said, no...it's ok and printed out the pictures. But he saw something on that picture, had me lay back down, and then there were TWO.

Today is my Mary's birthday and I know a lot of people will say that this is happening because of her. Personally...I don't like that saying. It's like saying she had to go. I don't know how to explain it really...it just makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I do ask her every night to watch over me and these two little ones.

Happy Birthday baby

I am one day early, but I think it would be a little hard to write all this tomorrow. Plus, M and I won't be home most of the day. I can't believe it's been a year...

Happy Birthday Mary...
I miss you more then words can say. My heart still hurts every day and I miss you so very much. Last year around this time, I thought we were doing good. But then momma got sick and so of course, that was going to affect you. I will never forget the dr. coming in and telling me that they just couldn't hold off any longer and would have to deliver because then I would go too.
You were born at 2:30 p.m. and left me and your daddy almost an hour later. That day is a little fuzzy but I remember when you were born. I saw you in the reflection of the dr,'s mask and you were kicking very hard. They gave you to me and that's all it took...one look and I was in love. You were tiny but were not messing around with those kicks. We couldn't believe how strong you were...but all I wanted to hear was one little cry because I thought that would mean there was maybe a chance.
You are my favorite girl and I wish things would have been different. I wish you were here everyday. Tomorrow, daddy and I plan to go see you and I am getting the prettiest flowers and some cute balloons. I think daddy is making cupcakes too tonight because some of his family might go too.
I miss you so very much and I don't understand why this happened. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be best friends.
I love you very much.

xoxo
Momma

Dreams

wow, they can be pretty vivid. I will wake up from them and think it's still happening and be all confused.
I have dreamnt about Mary before, but the last few weeks I have had some bad dreams. But then again, they are good because she is there. I had a dream last night where she was lying on the bed and talked to me! She looked a little bigger but it was her. She asked for a bottle and when I went to get it she said that she wanted to go to sleep. I leave the room and come back, but she is gone. And I am pregnant again. But it was like I was going to go through it all over again. I woke up very upset because it was just a dream and I couldn't see her anymore. I also was upset because I think what if it happens again? When will everything finally be ok?
I think I am dreaming more about her because her birthday is next week. From July 20th on, it's going to be hard. There were so many things going on last year at that time that I don't know how to deal with it all.
Sometimes I don't understand why this all happened. What did I do? I am a good person darn it. M is a wonderful man. How can we be so young and have gone through all of this? I feel like it really aged us.
I hope next week isn't too hard on us.

Fathers Day

Well, it's almost here. I won't be home much this weekend so I thought I should post something now.
M is doing pretty well but it will be hard on Sunday. I am taking him to brunch and a movie. We are probably going to go visit my dad but then just spend the rest of the day together. I also want to take Mary some flowers but I don't know how M will feel about that. I mean, of course he wants to go see her but on this particular day? It's going to be just so sad. I couldn't even go on Mothers Day. M's dad lives kind of far so I don't think we will go over there. Plus, his Stepmom and her mother always make the dumbest comments. M and I can only handle so much. But I still hope Sunday is going to be a good day for him. It just breaks my heart that this isn't a better year for him. I am hoping I have some great news coming up in the next couple weeks. ;)
On a happier note, I am taking my 7 year old niece to see Toy Story 3 tomorrow. omg...I love those movies and I can't wait. We have an awesome time together but I do wish I could spend more time with her. She is a really smart kid and cracks me up all the time. I have loved her from the moment I heard her first cry when she was born. Oh, I would take my nephew too but he is crazy! Plus, I can only handle one at a time. lol! He gets a date with me next weekend.

Anyway....Happy Fathers Day my love. You are an awesome Daddy and I knew you were going to be from the moment you saw that positive test. When you held our girl for the first time, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. You loved our girl from the first time you laid eyes on her and she loved you.
Things will get better honey...I promise.

working out

M and I went to the gym again for the first time in forever. I actually like going, once we get there. It's the GETTING there part. Ugh. I am freakin tired when I get home dang it. But the hour or so that I waste lying down or on the computer, watching TV, I could be working out. I am getting my ass back in shape. I also start my yoga class on Wednesday. I am excited and nervous about that one. I used to do yoga all the time when I danced, but that was like 10 years ago! I am going to look like a fool but that's ok because I am sure those other girls all started out that way.
I also found out today my thyroid is out of whack. I need to see my primary care dr. soon. I am going to first try to regulate it with losing some weight and eating A LOT better. It's just a big bummer because this one thing could be causing so many of my current issues. But I plan on changing that too. :)

It's June?!

wth?! Time just passes by. How is next month going to be one year? My girl would be one year old. Now I am not going to get into the whole adjusted age thing...that's too much to think about and frankly bums me out even more. Her birthday is July 31st and she was born at 2:30 p.m. Thank God her birthday is on a Saturday...I wouldn't be able to deal at work and can't really take time off right now.

I am going to get her the prettiest balloons and flowers and take some cupcakes. Although I don't leave them there...I don't want ants! I love her stone so much. A lot of people ask what the word on it means. It's Hawaiian and the meaning is "beloved child who is looked upon with pride and love."

10 months

Although I am a day late. I really didn't even go on the internet at all this weekend.
We had a nice relaxing holiday weekend. Saturday was a birthday party and Sunday we bbq'ed at my dads. Then we went to my cousins house and drank a little TOO much, playing quarters and high card/low card. haha!
But yesterday was the 31st. I actually didn't even realize it until later in the day. I was dusting in the living room and got up to get something...then it hit me. I didn't say anything to M because I am sure he realizes it too. I just kept cleaning and going about my day. When I walked into our closet to put some stuff away, I looked up at her book but I didn't bring it down. I just thought to myself, "hello baby...I miss you." I still think about her EVERYDAY. Not one day goes by that I don't and of course, the pain and grief is still there. It's just not as bad as it was last year, when I couldn't even stand up. When all I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry and hold her bear.
But I am doing better and that's all I need to be right now.