bedrest

it's freakin hard. Well, I of course have been on bedrest since August. (literally the day of my cerclage)

My cervix just....sucks. Even with bedrest, it got shorter. On October 29th, the dr. called me at home and said he's admitting me to the hospital because he would just feel better and it's a precaution. So, as of today, I have been here for one whole, long month. As of two weeks ago, I no longer have a measurable cervix. The cerclage is the only thing holding it all together. M and I were already ready for it all be over at 23 weeks. But here I am....a month later and going into my 27th week. I am on meds to stop any contractions and am on COMPLETE bedrest. I haven't felt the floor in a month. :( I have my days where I just want to scream because I don't think I can take another day. But I will continue to do this for our boys. M has been amazing and comes every day and also spends the night on the weekends. So, that's where we are at and are praying for at least one more month.

Oh, and the pics above? I have to show them off because they are already so cute.

Belly pics

Huge, I know. And it feels even bigger. I haven't gained much weight...maybe 2 lbs. The weight of these boys is very uncomfortable but I love when they kick. My sister got me this pregnancy belt thingy so hopefully that relieves some pressure.

20 weeks

according to the babies size...we are at 20 weeks today. Halfway there. :)
Oh, and we had an ultrasound last week and we are having TWO BOYS. omg. That is crazy! M and I were in shock at first because I really thought it was one of each and he thought two girls! So, when the tech showed us, you can totally see that they are boys. Amazing. We both are very happy. I think deep down I also wanted a girl because with Mary, I loved the idea of having my girl. But I am just so happy that they are boys and healthy.
I will get more pics of my belly and the boys up soon. Still on bedrest and my cervix has gotten shorter, so the bedrest is even stricter. The pressure of two babies is sometimes unbearable. One of the boys is also kicking so low that it hurts. I am trying to get him to move back up but so far, he is staying in that position. Oh well.
We have been talking about names but have only settled on one because it's a family name. It's a surprise though until we decide on the second name.

Grief

Last year, about two weeks after Mary died, a wonderful person also went through the same thing. I have written about her before. Susan. I can't say enough good things about her. We have met up a few times but I wish we lived closer. We actually used to but didn't get a chance to meet up before she moved. I hate that we have to have this kind of grief in common.
Susan became pregnant again this year and was about 5-6 weeks ahead of me. I was SO looking forward to sharing this together. She was doing so well until almost 23 weeks. Then things just took a turn for a worse. Her little boy was born on September 26th and tried to fight, but didn't make it. When I got that text, M actually saw it first. I was in the other room and came in to ask him something. He was looking at my phone and when he looked up at me, I just knew. I had been waiting for an update and it had been a few hours already. I was hoping no news meant good news.
It's been a few days now and I just couldn't write anything yet. I didn't know what to say. I feel like it's last year all over again. My heart hurts for her and her family.
Susan,
I love you. I am here for you anytime you need me. I don't know why this happened. I don't know why bad things happen to such wonderful people. I have said this a hundred times, but if I weren't on bedrest, I would be there with you.
Rest in Peace Matthew Finley....sweet angel.

belly/baby pics

This is Baby A. Right when we were about to get a good pic, he/she decided to turn around and stretch out. This is the most active baby.



This is Baby B. He/she turned around and we got a great shot!

This is my lying down. Believe me, it looks much bigger standing up. :)

I had my cerclage this past Wednesday and everything went well. The dr. said my cervix even looked much better, so that's great news. I still have morning sickness but it's easier to deal with.

Being on bedrest is going to be long and hard, but it will all be worth it.

Bittersweet Dreams

I always ask Mary to come into my dreams and I am so happy when she does. I have dreamnt that I was pregnant again with her and that she was a baby...but walking! My girl was going to be a genius! ;)
But at the same time I have these dreams, it's hard because I have to wake up and remember she's gone.
I had a bad dream last night. Before I fell asleep, I was thinking of her and talking to her. I had a dream where we were at her funeral again but she was alive. My god...that breaks my heart to even say that. I was holdng her and she opened her eyes and was looking at me. I kept trying to tell everyone that she was ok but nobody would listen. I just held her and smelled her skin and hair. I didn't want to let her go. That happened right before her actual funeral. M and I dressed her and put her in her casket. We were alone in a room and I picked her up and just held her. M was worried because I wouldn't let her go. It might sound morbid to some but she is my daughter and this was the last time I would be able to do this. I just hugged her and told her I was sorry. I just wanted to stay in that room forever. Just the three of us...

12 weeks

Isn't this morning sickness supposed to be over with? It's been like this for about 6 weeks and I do have meds for it. The problem is I get pretty sick in the morning and I try to take the pill before I even get out of bed, but I throw up anyway. I try not to but it's hard. But if this is how it's going to be for the next 6 months, I will take it.
I went to my NT scan yesterday and got some bloodwork done. The NT showed that the back of both babies necks were measuring small, which is good. Baby A is the most active one and Baby B is usually asleep or just relaxing. I can't wait to find out what they are so I can actually give them names. :) I love seeing how big they have gotten in the last few weeks...they look like actual babies now! I always get really nervous right before any dr.'s appointment, but I can't help it.
I am going to upload some pics of the babies and this belly, which is already huge. I know there are two in there, but dang. lol But I told M it's all good and I am just going to let it hang out there.
We are pretty busy right now because we are moving. The dr. is doing a cerclage next week and is then taking me completely out of work. I was bummed at first but if I have to hang upside down, then that's what I will do. The problem with taking me out of work is having to go on CA disability, which as most people know is basically half of the your monthly income. M and I just can't afford that...shoot, that's basically my rent alone! So....we are moving into my parents house. Believe me, it's not something I want to do but we have to. Thank goodness they have a huge house and we are WAY on the other side of the house and they are upstairs. haha! It's only temporary thank goodness.